Keep Your Heart Open

Keep your heart open, for as long as you can, as wide as you can, for others and especially for yourself.
—
Morrie Schwartz


-Taken from Kind Over Matter blog.

Twenty-Cents

No matter how hard I try to keep myself motivated to do laundry once a week, it just doesn’t happen. I usually end up washing every other week, which leaves me with having to do two washes and two dries at the same time. At total of: $5.50.

Today, I gathered my dirty laundry and my laundry soap and then started to count out my change. I knew I had to do two full loads so I started to count out – one dollar, two dollars, three dollars, four dollars and fifty cents.

I was short one dollar. I asked my roommate if she had a dollar in change that I could use, she didn’t. I then proceeded to raid my poor painted piggy bank for extra change.

I am, again, in a place where I don’t have a lot of extra money to spend. Especially at the moment - Thomas is starving, my cabinets are bare and my checking account is in the single dollar digits. So here I am raiding my little piggy bank meant for savings.

I was able to find dimes and nickels; all I needed was twenty cents. I was so close! I went down stairs placed both my loads in and then walked back upstairs to find twenty cents. I was determined to find that twenty cents, I mean how hard is it to find twenty cents?

I came to find out - that it’s extremely hard. I re-raided my piggy, searched through every inch of my wallet and searched through all the containers I keep change in. I found countless pennies, but that wouldn’t work.

The longer I searched the closer it came to me having to switch my clothes from the washer to the drier and I was short on change to dry one load. I decided I would go out to Thomas and raid him. On my way to Thomas I continued to search the ground. You know how when you’re not looking for spare change you find it all the time. Apparently, this concept doesn’t work when you’re actually looking for it.

I raid Thomas and I find fifteen cents. FIFTEEN CENTS! ‘Are you serious?!’ I continued to search through Thomas, threatening him to give up the last five cents - he didn’t.

By this time I’m becoming slightly overwhelmed and annoyed. I gave up on Thomas and decided to go back in. Again, I’m searching the ground for five cents.

‘Really God? I can’t just find five cents! I mean how hard is it to find five cents? Come on Lord! One nickel, I need a nickel! Just give me a dang nickel!!’

I walk back to the apartment, take a deep breath and look around the room. I look through my piggy one more time – nothing. I pick up my wallet, unzip the zipper and there, sitting in the change section is a nickel - one nickel, nothing else. I take the nickel out and hold it in my hand.

And at that exact moment I could hear God say: ‘There’s your dang nickel.’ I close my hand around the nickel, smile and shake my head. No matter how hard times get and how angry or upset I am – the Lord always provides.

And this time, He used me. He used me to provide for myself. Sure, my roommate could have had the change. Or I could have found the change on the ground. Or I could have run into my friend in the elevator sooner and they would have given me the change.

But no – God decided to use my money to provide and not others. He showed me that I can support myself. He showed me, that He will support me through me and that I don’t have to rely or ask others for help - all the time.

‘I’ll always provide for you. And you can provide for yourself. You can do it. You’ll be alright.’

My Heart Belongs to Texas

It’s been a very long time since I’ve really blogged. Sure, I’ve done a few posts the past year documenting past memories. But I haven’t written anything with purpose.

I can’t remember the last time I did an ‘update blog.’ The last time I wrote a blog about what God has done in my life. Or written a blog about what God has taught me. I also haven’t really done any art or read any books. I haven’t done anything artsy or creative.

This past year, I lost myself. The self I worked so hard to find. The self, that took me months to rummage through crap to find. The self that I cried, screamed and fought to set free. I lost her.

I know some might think: “Don’t be so dramatic.” No, I’m not being dramatic and I’m not over reacting. I’m not the person I was when I left Texas. I’m not the happy go lucky, energetic, God loving girl I was when I left. I’ve reverted back to ‘Stella and Star.’

I’m not completely like how I was. I don’t think I could fully be that person again. I changed so much in Texas. I matured in Texas. But I have re-picked up a lot of the characteristics of ‘Stella and Star.’

I woke up this morning with a burning desire to return to Texas. I woke up and the first thing in my mind was that I must go back. I have to go home.

I miss Texas. I miss my friends and the family I created. I miss being around a support system and people that I know love me. I miss feeling safe and protected.

I love Texas. It will always be my home.

All That You Do is Sacred

Now is the time to know that all that you do is sacred... Now is the time for you to deeply compute the impossibility that there is anything but grace.
—
Hafiz


-Taken from Kind Over Matter blog.