You Are LOVED!

Mercy triumphs over judgement. What a powerful and life-changing concept - if we can accept it.

Sometimes that's the hardest part. It can be so hard for us to accept God's love and mercy. It's in His out stretched hand, all we have to do is grasp it and be dramatically changed.

I encourage you to watch this video and allow God's mercy, grace and love to dramatically change you.

Stop standing on your own, you don't have to any more.

be blessed (for Mami)

Today marks 10 years that my mother has passed. I've tried so hard to come up with a meaningful idea to memorialize my mother on this day. But I can't.

My heart is full of so many emotions. And my mind keeps going back to that day so many years ago. 

I was holding my mother when she took her last breath. She died in my arms. When my mother took her last breath, I knew it. I can still hear my scream echoing in my ears.

We were rushed to the hospital in an ambulance. I had to sit with a social worker; and the Chaplin was there also. With his comforting words. To this day I still don't understand why he would say those words to a young person who had just lost their parent minutes before.

I can't remember her voice or her touch or the smell of her hair. I can't remember hardly anything about her. Except for that day.

Deep down, I still secretly blame myself. I was 17 years old, I was scared and freaked out. I didn't want to leave her side. I didn't want to leave her alone. She would have hated that. So I stayed by her side instead of calling for help.

I hated myself for that, for years. And still do, sometimes.

I'd like to think she'd like who I've become. That she'd be proud of me. But honestly, I don't know. I don't think she would... I'm so different then that young girl. I have so many more scars.

But one thing I do know. She'd tell me to stop crying, to whip my eyes and to keep moving forward. "Stop being stupid." She'd say. "Don't look at me, look to God."

My mom was a strong God-fearing women. I remember every morning before school,  she would pray over my coming and going. Pray a hedge of protection over me. That God would keep me safe. I know, without a doubt, that her prayers are the reason why I'm still here. Why I'm alive.

Yes, it's been a decade since she passed. But her faith and prayers are still going strong. And touching me still.

I might hate what I did. And I might hate this day. And I might not be able to remember anything. And she might not like who I've become. But she loved me so much, that her love is still reaching me now, 10 years later.

Maybe that's something to celebrate. Instead of mourning.

"This is the day the Lord has made; 

We will rejoice and be glad in it." 

- Psalm 118:24 New King James Version

Be blessed. I hope you have a grand glorious day.

Hospitals

I took Sr Grumpy to the doctors yesterday. He is getting higher up in age and seems to be slowing down more quickly, so I try to take him every month.

The doctor told me his blood count was low from his last blood test (taken in May) and wanted to take a new one to see if it was the same, had gone up or fell lower. This morning, the doctors' nurse called me and told me that his blood count had dropped lower and that Sr Grumpy needed a blood transfusion.

When I heard this news, my mind instantly zoomed to a memory of my mom lying in her hospital bed getting dialysis. My breathing quickened and tears rushed to my eyes. For a split second I was overwhelmed with anxiety. However, I was able to pass it quickly and was able to soak in everything the nurse was telling me.

After I got off the phone with the nurse. I had to take Sr Grumpy to the hospital to get his blood drawn and matched for the transfusion - tomorrow.

When my mom passed, I told myself I'd never go back into that hospital. I have spent too much time there. Luckily, we didn't have to go into the "main" building. I have been back to the hospital campus a couple of times since my mothers' passing, but I've never had to go into the main building.

We had to go into the 'out-patient' center today to get his blood drawn. It is RIGHT next door to the main building. Again, when I exited the car to get Sr Grumpy out, my breathing quickened, tears rushed to my eyes and my anxiety spiked. Again, I was able to get my emotions under control quickly and forced myself to focus on the task at hand.

We entered the center, I checked him in, filled out the paper work, and that was when I was informed we would be getting the transfusion in the main building tomorrow. My stomach sank and my mouth went dry.

 'No. No I can't do that.' I thought quickly to myself. Just as fast as it entered my mind, I forced myself to dismiss it. I finished the paperwork, Sr Grumpy got his blood drawn and we drove home.

Now that the day is coming to an end and all the preparations have been made. All the feelings I kept pushing away are lingering their way back to the forefront of my consciousness. Everything is starting to sink in and my mind is now able to process all the information of the day.

Sr Grumpy isn't my mom. He doesn't have cancer. And he isn't dying. He's healthy.

My mom is in a happier, healthier place.

It's just a building.

God has healed me of all my hurt and pain.

Everything will be fine.

I have faith that everything will be fine...

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." -Proverbs 3:5-6

When I Met You

April and July are hard months for me. April the month my mom was born; and July the month she died. This year marks 10 years that she’s been with God. It feels so much longer; I can hardly remember her. She’s been gone almost half my life.

My moms’ twin, aunt Stella (who I was named after), really struggled with my mom’s passing in the beginning. After years of therapy and healing, my aunt is finally on the “acceptance” stage of grief. I feel like I’ve reverted to the “depression” stage. I know grief can be a cycle; we can cycle in and out of the stages of grief.

It’s really hard for me to deal with this.

I did so well when my mom passed. I truly believed (and still do) that God had a purpose for taking my mom. It was easy for me to “work through” the stages of grief after she passed. I did it in one night actually.

One long, late, tear-filled night.

A week or so after God took my mom. I sat in my room, listened to music and with my emotions fresh, I unleashed all of my thoughts and emotions to God. I remember so vividly, sitting in a corner, the tears running down my face, hitting the floor and yelling at God. I’d randomly get up, pace my room, hit the closet, kick my bed, and scream into a pillow.

“Why God? Why did you do THIS?!”

“Why did you take her?”

“Why couldn’t I save her?”

I’ve struggled with the guilt of not saving my mom on and off since her passing; but that’s a story for another journal entry.

I remember staying up past 3am. I gave all my hurt, pain, anger and questions to God and He filled me with peace and gave me reassurance that I would be okay.

This is why cycling through the stages of grief is hard for me. I know God healed my hurt. I know God took my pain. I know God was in the room with me when I was grieving.

God hurt with me. God grieved with me.

And it’s not that I still don’t believe that. I know I’m healed. God took my brokenness and put me back together.

I am healed. But, I’m also human.

Just because I cycle in and out of grief, it doesn’t mean I don’t trust God. It means I love my mom.

 And that I miss her.

“I remember the moment, I remember the pain
I was only a girl, but I grew up that day
Tears were falling
I know You saw me

Hiding there in my bedroom, so alone
I was doing my best, trying to be strong
No one to turn to
That's when I met You

All this time, from the first tear cried
'Till today's sunrise
And every single moment between
You were there, You were always there
It was You and I
You've been walking with me all this time”

Song: “All This Time” by Britt Nicole

The stages of grief

Just Keep Breathing

A couple of weeks ago marked the one year anniversary of me being self-harm free. I’ve said that three times in the last ten years.

So much has happened in the last ten years; so much happened when I turned 17. I started cutting a few months after my birthday. My mom was diagnosed and passed away from pancreatic cancer. I discovered my passion for music. The Internet became my world. And so many other things happened.

It’s so weird to think it’s been ten years. Ten years of me fighting the urge to place a blade to my skin. At moments, it doesn’t seem like it’s been that long. And at other moments, it seems like a lifetime.

It saddens me.

It saddens me that cutting has been such a big part of my life. It saddens me that I’ve only been able to stop three times; the first time for a year, the second time for two & half years and this third time for one year.

I was so lost last fall (Oct-Dec 2013). I had a fight with my dad, I packed my bags and left home; I couldn’t handle living in a toxic environment any more. I ran to the only place I could think of, my “sanctuary” became my trigger. The people who were supposed to help me, pushed me over the edge.

I knew what I was doing was wrong. And I knew if I gave in, it would be so hard to stop. But it didn’t matter, I was alone. Truly, and utterly, alone.

I cut more in those three months, then I had EVER done. I couldn’t stop. I was emotionally spiraling out of control. I was grasping for anything. It was SO BAD.

At one point, it finally clicked in my head to just stop and breathe. My thoughts were racing; I had to force my brain and emotions to stop. I needed a break. I was sitting in a Starbucks, writing in my journal and listening to music. I was hiding.

“2 A.M., too tired to sleep
When what you want's not what you need
And when these walls don't feel like home
Remember that you're not alone…

When heaven seems so far away
And dreams are just a memory
When love is all too hard to hold
Just take a breath and let it...

Go whoa oh, whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh
Just keep breathing, breathing, breathing
Whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh
Just keep breathing, breathing, breathing”

I went to my dad the next day, we worked out our problems and I moved back in. I learned that sometimes being in a hard place is better than being in no place at all. And that good really does come from bad.

It was so hard to stop; almost unbearable.

I remember lying on my bed and forcing myself not to move. It took over an hour, but the urge finally passed. One afternoon I was walking in the hardware store with my dad, and we walked down an aisle with every type of blade ever made by man. And I craved them, like I never craved anything before. My skin ached and I became jittery. I was an addict hurting for a fix.

As the months have passed, the lust has subsided, but it’s always there. And I know it always will be. I will always struggle with self-harm and depression. But as long as I remember to breathe, I know I can make it to the next hour and to the next aisle and through my life.

The 27th Year

It’s so weird to think I’m turning 27 today. Not because I’m getting ‘older’, but because I never thought I’d live past my 21st birthday. I’ve lived six years more than I EVER thought I would.

There are so many moments where I tried to snuff out my light.

I should be dead.

I should have never woken up.

There was a time in my life, where I begged God to let me die. I couldn’t understand why He couldn’t just let me go.

The harder I tried, the tighter He gripped me.

I was so angry. I couldn’t see, I didn’t understand.

I’ve always felt alone and invisible. I’ve never thought that I’ve mattered.

But this last year, I’m starting to see a glimpse. A glimmer of what my purpose might possibly be.

I started making gaming videos and placed them on YouTube for others to see. I was hoping to make a friend or two.

Honestly, I was reaching; I was reaching for anything to keep myself stable. Something to distract myself, and to trick myself into thinking that I WASN’T wasting my life.

From a young age, I knew I was made for something bigger then myself. I just didn’t know what that something was. And over the years, I’ve really started to doubt myself. How can a girl like me, change the world?

I’ve defiantly made more than a friend or two, these last 8 months on YouTube. I’ve created this family of support, love and motivation. I could have NEVER imagined, posting short videos of me rambling incoherently could EVER make an impact. And I NEVER thought that making these videos would bring me healing.

I call my family, Fireflies. Small, bright lights of hope in the darkness. Who would have thought, that I would find my light posting gaming videos online? Who would have thought that ANYONE would have noticed my dimly lit light?

I had been posting videos online for a few months, when I almost threw in the towel. My Fireflies were calling out to me; they said I brightened their day, that they looked up to me and that I was changing their lives – it was too much for me to handle.

I had started to listen to the darkness.

You’re not worthy.

You’re worthless.

You’re damaged.

How can a depressed self-harming suicidal girl help anyone?

The darkness started closing in on me. Closer and closer. Tighter and tighter. The darkness was right.

I find myself looking back on my journal entries often when I’m searching.

So there I sat, in the middle of the night reading through my blog. And it all slowly started to click into place.

I’ve been through a lot in my life. I’ve overcome a lot in my life. I’ve fought and I’ve clawed myself out of the hole of death.

My destiny is not to die! My destiny is to LIVE! I am to live and to shine bright.

I AM A FIREFLY! Sure, I’ve made mistakes. Yes, I’ve done things I shouldn’t have. And I DO still struggle with depression. But that doesn’t mean that I’m stuck or that my light is covered.

I can share my thoughts. I can share my experiences. I can tell my stories and pour out my heart. I CAN help others! 

Even if the only reason I was placed on this Earth was to post short videos of me rambling incoherently to brighten others days.

THEN THANK GOD! Thank God I didn’t die. Thank God my prayers weren’t answered.

I’m a fighter!

I’m a firefly!

I’M ALIVE!

Fall to Pieces

It’s strange how memories fade and how even the pain of emotion can subside, but in an instant it all comes rushing back. Like the pressure of a damn being released, and how the water saturates everything in its path. How it makes you paralyzed and anxious all at once.

Human memories and emotions are funny that way.

The other day, I attended a funeral of a family member that I didn't know. So when I felt a strong sting of emotion I didn't know how to respond, I was taken off guard.

My first reaction was: ‘I need a blade now!’ And then I instantly rebuffed the thought with: ‘I can do this!’ I hadn't experienced these emotions in years; I thought I'd worked through them. I thought I overcame this painful memory.

I instantly knew the enemy was taunting me. He was trying to cause havoc, to make me falter to have me loose absolute control and to fall apart. I took a deep breath and reminded myself that I was safe. That everything was going to be okay...

And that he couldn't hurt me anymore.

I was molested as a child, by a family member. Over the years, since the incident, I'd see him from time to time at different gatherings. Always from a distance, I've always made sure to stay away.

But this time, this time, was so uncomfortably close. I hadn't seen him in years. And now, there he stood an arm’s length away from me. I had my back to him, trying to block his existence, but then I had to turn and greet him.

The instant my hand touched his in a shake, I cringed and couldn't let go fast enough. Luckily our group instantly started moving and I was able to distract myself. This was when my silent battle started.

Tears rushed to my eyes, my breathing quickened, and my mind raced. I had to make a decision, and I had to make it fast! Either allow the emotions to take over or fight; fight against the hurt and pain and NOT allow myself to be a victim any longer.

“I can do this.” I said quietly out loud to myself.

We found our seats, and again the enemy taunted me, there he sat right in front of me. I quickly started quoting scriptures and prayed a desperate cry of help.

“By His wounds we are healed.” Isaiah 53:5.

“I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13.

A technique I learned in therapy came to me; I took a deep breath and calmed myself.

‘If little Star lived through this horrific situation, big Star can too.’ I lived through the situation once, I could relive it emotionally again. I’m stronger now. Braver. He no longer has the power to hurt me. I’m in control.

Once I took the power back, gradually I felt peace. The memories were still there, they were uncomfortable but not painful; the emotion was gone.

I had overcome the painful memory, I did work through the situation – but I never worked through the emotions of it.

The enemy saw the chink in my armor. The enemy thought throwing him at me would cause me to crumble. I faltered for a moment, but the warring – fighting spirit in me won.

For the first time in a long time I felt strong.

I am a strong. I am brave. I AM A FIGHTER! I need to remember this more often.

What's a Firefly?

I’ve slowly started telling my family that I’m making and uploading videos to YouTube. I kept it to myself for a while, because I didn’t know how my family would react. I knew most of them wouldn’t understand and I was afraid of having to explain it to them; because I knew I wouldn’t do it right. But honestly, I was afraid of having the idea rejected by my family. I liked having YouTube be my own private thing, my secret. But as my channel grows, it’s taking more and more of my time and energy and I had to let people know what was going on so they could try to “understand”.

There are only two people’s opinions in the world that matter to me. And I was terrified of telling them both.

I love how the first thing out of Aunt Stella’s mouth, after I explained everything was “And how can you bring God into this?” Ha ha, it wasn’t “That’s stupid” or “It’s a waste of time”.  Just, “How can you bring God into this?”

I just smiled and looked at her and said “How do I NOT bring God into it?”

Aunt Stella always knows the right thing to say.

My ‘slogan’ or ‘catch-phrase’ is “Love Will Save the Day”, for the banner/header on all of my social sites I have this slogan with John 3:16 tacked on the end.

I call my fans ‘fireflies’; little lights of hope and joy in the dark – Matthew 5:13-16.

I also pray often that God would use my channel and bless it.

But like my name says, Because She’s Star. How can I be me, without having God in my YouTube channel? I don’t know why, but this was a confirmation to me.

That I’m doing something right.

That I’m on the right track.

That I’m in alignment with God.

I’ve just got to be me and trust. And love myself, like I tell my fireflies.

I Have Hope

Normally on this day, I write happy cheery posts about my mom. How she was an amazing woman, how she’s now with God & how glorious that is, and I share a witty story. But today, today I’m just not feeling it. Because today, I’m not happy and I’m not strong enough to fake it.

I’m angry.

I’m angry at her for dying and changing our lives so horribly. I’m angry at her for leaving me and my dad; and making me deal with a woman that I hate and treats my dad so poorly. I’m angry at her for not teaching me the things she should have. I’m angry at her for making me feel like my words weren’t important, because now I’m too scared to share my thoughts. I’m angry that she told everyone good-bye but me.

I have hate.

I hate that the only things I can remember her saying are negative. I hate that I can’t remember her voice. I hate that I can’t remember how she looked, without looking at a picture. I hate myself, for not making her proud.

I’m weak.

I’m not strong enough today to put on a brave face. Today, I’m not willing to accept that she’s gone for some “greater good”. I’m tired of day-dreaming that she was by my side, I just wish she was. Today, I feel I will never overcome the pain that my mother’s death gave me.

I have faith.

I have faith that God won’t leave me in this horribly deep hole of depression that I’m in. I have faith that when I get to heaven, my mother will be there. I have faith that I’m not alone. I have faith, believe and know that the many powerful prayers my mother said over my life are still in effects today.

Today is a sad day, but I have hope that tomorrow will be better.

He Hears Her When She Cries

I’ve really been struggling with my depression this last month. I’ve almost cut myself three times. This last temptation, almost won, but I was drowning so far down that I couldn’t pull myself up enough to do it.

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. But, it’s not like I’ve ever really “known” what I’m doing. I flounder, it’s what I do. I bounce from space to space, never grappling to anything in particular. I’m like a helium balloon that’s been released. I just float; higher and higher, deeper and deeper.

I’ve been growing bigger on YouTube, which has been keeping me occupied; but doesn’t completely distract me. I keep thinking; if I killed myself, would my fireflies know? How would they take that?

I’m trying to stay strong. I’m trying to stay. But the darkness is calling me again. And its voice is so sweet… I just want to lay and rest.

I know these thoughts are wrong, and that I shouldn’t entertain them.

I have these young fans that look up to me. They call me their best friend; say that they love me, that I get them through the day. They say that I am this amazing person and I try to see myself through their eyes… But I can’t.

I don’t see anything, I just feel pain.

How can I help them, when I’m so empty?

How can I be a positive influence, when all I want to do it die?

…And then I breathe, and say a prayer and close my eyes. Because I know in the morning I will wake, and deep down, I’m glad for that. 

Song that accompanies this post:
 "When She Cries" by Britt Nicole.

Hope & Faith

A couple of months back I met this person online and we started talking back and forth. We only exchanged a few emails; I realized pretty quickly that this person and I didn’t mesh well. They sent me an email and I just never replied, maybe that was wrong of me. Maybe I should have replied back and told them that their last email gave me some red flags and that I wasn’t interested in continuing our friendship.

I hate when people write me off like that, they just ignore you and act like you don’t exist. They don’t have the decency to treat you like a human-being. I was wrong. I should have said something.

However, I am only human and I hate confrontation. I try to act all tough, strong and in your face – but in reality I’m afraid. I’m weak and have horrible self-esteem issues. After a hotly spat comment, most would let it roll of their backs; move on. But me, I dwell on it; over and over again until it rips my inwards to shreds.

Words, especially written words, are my life. Ink to paper, cursor to screen; this is where I found myself. It’s my safe haven. My home. It’s the only act that I’ve found that truly makes me ‘feel better’; the one and only good coping skill that I have.

Words are existence. Words are power. Words give authority, and take it away. Words changes and destroys life. Words are freedom, freedom from our sometimes dark selves.

Words are my being.

Last night I got an email, from the person that I mentioned earlier in this post. They wrote me (what I consider) an angry letter.

They called me a bad person, rude, pathetic and a ‘lunatic’. They said I was a horrible ‘Christian’. That they hoped bad things would happen to me and that I would continue to harm myself; “cut yourself and cut your throat”.

I’m trying to forget the hurtful words that I read. I’m praying for God to help me pass this.

I did reply back to this person’s recent email, and I told them they were right. I should have wrote them back and told them I was no longer interested in communicating.  I told them I was sorry. I told them why I stopped communicating with them; what the reasons where.

I also told them, that my intuition was right (because of their action in writing the recent email). And that I would have never cursed them or said such horrible things about them or to them.

They replied back with another anger filled email. I read only half of it.

I think the thing that hurts me the most in this situation is the fact that a person who knows nothing of me, that I only wrote three or four emails to, would say such horrible things to me and about me. I know I shouldn’t be shocked, I’m fully aware that people like this do exist (even before this email). But still, how could someone do such a thing to another human being?

The way they threw my self-harm in my face; acted like I was a lesser person, worthless, because I’ve placed a blade to my skin in my past. I actually get this a lot from other Christians and ‘believers’. Most of the time I just put it off as ‘ignorance’ but this time… this time it punctured my heart.  

“Cut yourself and cut your throat”.

I’ve attempted suicide, I don’t know how many times. But for someone to say that I should kill myself… that’s, that’s ludicrous! And they say that they “follow Jesus”! I know, that’s a low blow and I shouldn’t say such judgmental things… but a person that I’ve only talked to a handful of times (in email) wants me to kill myself because I didn’t respond to them.

I didn’t respect them. I didn’t honor them. I didn’t acknowledge them as a human being, or as child of God.

Yes, I might have done wrong. But I don’t think I deserve the emails they wrote. I struggle enough, within my own mind, with my own words and thoughts – I don’t need added fuel from negative outsiders.

“Cut your throat”.

This sentence will haunt me, for who knows how many days to come. All I can do is have hope and faith that this won’t come true.

This is a Call Out

I remember when I first discovered this song; I thought it was my life to the 'T'. It's like Trevor himself wrote about me, as if I told him all the details of my life and my situation and he wrote it in a song for all to see. 

“She fooled all of her friends into thinking she's so strong,
But she still sleeps with the light on,
And she acts like it's all right on, as she smiles again.

Then her mother lies there sick with cancer,
And her friends don't understand her,
She's a question without answers, who feels like falling apart.
She knows, she's so much more than worthless,
She needs to find her purpose,
She wonders what she did to deserve this, and…”

Thousand Foot Krutch is my second favorite band (of all time). And this song is my second favorite song. I don't think I've ever actually stated either of these facts on this blog. If you've been reading my blog for any long length of time you would know what my favorite song it ('Wishesand Dreams') and who my favorite artist is (Stellar Kart), because I talk about them ALL the time. 

However, TFK has a very special place in my heart and in my life. A private/intimate place.

Whenever I'm going through a medium to difficult situation in my life, my first response is to turn TFK on. I don’t know how many times I’ve cried to myself and/or wrote journal entries with TFK blasting in my ears. I relate to so many of their songs, this song is just one of many songs I feel were taken from my journals.

I discovered TFK at my very first Acquire the Fire event. Ha ha, it really is quite funny how my life kind of revolves around ATF. Anywho, I had just started listening to Christian music and seeing TFK perform live on this huge stage with hundreds of people all around me and their music blaring through the speakers – something just clicked. After the concert I went to their table and I bought all the CD’s they had released at the time. I then went home and listened to their music NON-STOP.

This all happened a few months before my mom died.

I vividly remember sitting in the car, being driven home from school, Air1 playing on the car stereo when this song came through the speakers. Like I said in the beginning of this entry, it was my life to the very detail.

I had just started to self-harm, my mom was in the middle of her fight with pancreatic cancer, and I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone about how I was feeling or thinking. I was so confused, lost and scared; and there was Trevor singing my story.

“She's calling out to you, this is a call; this is a call out,
'Cause every time I fall down, I reach out to you,
and I'm losing all control now, and my hazard signs are all out,
I'm asking you, to show me what this life is all about.

Have you ever felt this way before?
'cause I don't wanna hide here anymore.
Take me to the place where nothing's wrong, thanks for coming, shut the door.
They say someone out there sees us,
Well if you're real then save me Jesus,
'cause I've been this way for far too long.
I wasn't meant to feel alone.

Show me what this life is all about
Show me what this life is all about”

I played this song over and over and over. It became my anthem for a very long time; it became a part of me.

This is one of the songs that started my love affair with music.

Whenever I hear this song, I can’t help but remember this hard time in my life. But, I’m glad to say, that I no longer see it with pain and hurt.

God knew what He was doing. He placed me at that ATF, in that seat for a reason. He knew I would connect with TFK. He knew I would become obsessed with their music. And He knew that this song would be the rope I desperately needed to cling to. He knew that seed would get me through the hard years ahead of me.

He gave me a gift; a precious, life altering gift, that I will always be grateful for.

Song: "This is a Call" by Thousand Foot Krutch

Untitled

I've been working on this picture for a few days now.

As in all heart drawing I make. The heart is mine. You see the outside red shell of the heart and then the inside of the heart is put into three pieces. This can represent God, the Holy Spirit and Jesus. Or, it could be what makes up my heart: God, my emotions/mind and my environment.

The heart has locked itself into a dark box. And has placed up "protective" tools to keep the box intact. An umbrella is set on top of the box to protect it from the holy cleansing water of the Spirit. And a metal sheet is placed on the side of the box to protect it from the renewing fire of the Spirit.

There's something missing, in the left corner; but I can't see it just yet. And I don't have a title for it either.

But just looking at the picture and seeing what it represents, is frightening. After everything I've done and been through. After all the stages of my heart. I'm still keeping it locked up, under protection and away from God.

Why? Why am I doing that?

I'm A Christian

I went to the market today, and while I was pushing my basket around I accidentally hit an older women’s basket.

“Oh my gosh! I am so sorry; I didn’t mean to hit you.”

“Oh, it’s okay. I forgive you. I’m a Christian, that’s what we’re supposed to do. Forgive.”

She said this with no hesitation. It just flowed from her mouth. She said it with such humility. After our interaction, I continued on with my shopping, but at one point I had to stop and really process what just happened. It took me back for a few minutes. Her simple words convicted me, instantly.

‘I’m a Christian’; she said it without even thinking. Nothing (really) prompt it. She didn’t try to “preach” at me or “save” me. She didn’t expect anything from me.

I’m a Christian. And I believe her.

I hope to one day get to the point of where she is. To be so open, free and god-fearing that I proclaim my salvation and deliverance without even blinking.

Who Will Love Me for Me

I've been obsessing over this song the last few days. I've basically been listening to it non-stop. I discovered it about a week ago through the new iTunes radio tab. I use to listen to Air 1 through iTunes, but iTunes updated their program and now changes the way that their "radio" tab works.

Basically, you pick the genre you want to listen to and iTunes picks random songs on iTunes that matches that criteria and plays it. It's actually really helpful and cool. I love Air 1 and listen to it all the time, but sometimes chatter/talking distracts me when I'm thinking or concentrating and it makes it difficult for me to think/concentrate. And since I'm always listening to music when I do ANYTHING, sometimes I get distracted doing daily tasks (yes; a shameless excuse from a procrastinator).

When I first heard this song on iTunes, it struck a cord to my heart. And I instantly had to look it up.

"Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done
Or what I will become
Who will love me for me
'Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means"

I've been going through a lot of emotional and physical change this week. It's been emotionally and mentally difficult and heavy for me to deal with. And this song has been my anthem, through it all. 

"Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said,
"I know you've murdered and I know you've lied
And I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you'll listen I'll, I'll tell you that I..."
I will love you for you
Not for what you have done
Or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew"

Sometimes, we feel unlovable. Sometimes, we feel like we will never be enough. Sometimes, it feels like no matter what we do, we will never satisfy anyone. Sometimes, we feel like we're nothing.

In those times, in those dark moments, when we feel like there's nothing more to give. Sometimes God comes through, sometimes God comes in with his Majesty and shakes us to our core.

And sometimes, God doesn't come roaring in and we need to remember and cling to the promise that He loves us.

Because, sometimes, all we have is hope that He loves.

Song: "What Love Really Means" by JJ Heller

Fire-Flies

I've been feeling like there are so many people I know that are dying lately. I mean, I might not know them "know" them. I guess I should say, I know "of" them... Still, a lot of young amazing people are dying and it isn't RIGHT!

A few months ago, an amazing drummer died of cancer - Chase Lovelace was only 24 years old. I had met Chase a handful of times, he was such a happy, joyful spirit and MAN! did he play the drums wickedly. He played in a few of my favorite bands (that's how I knew him) Pillar, Stars Go Dim and Superchick.

In the beginning of last week Talia Joy Castellano died at the age of 13, from cancer. She had been fighting the good fight since she was seven! Instead of wearing wigs to cover her bald head (because of the chemo) she became a master of make-up and made tutorials on YouTube (how I found out about her) showing people how to do their make-up flawlessly.Make up was her wig.

This past weekend a Simmer (gamer) on YouTube died at the age of 25 years old. Quxxn, had had lung problems for many years. She went in for an operation, got an infection and then her body had enough and she died.

And let's not forget about Matthew Warren who was 27 years old when he took his own life a few months ago. He had been struggling with depression and suicide for years. 

This breaks my heart so much. The enemy is working over time, crushing out shinning stars before they get too bright. And it makes me so angry! How dare he do that! Taking out God's children, like it's nothing!

And then, I think about myself (cause I'm selfish like that), and how I have thoughts of suicide and how I make plans to take my own life. And that little God voice chimes in and is like: "Their life is important enough for you to get angry and upset about because it ended so short - but yours isn't?"

And I instantly feel convicted. Why is it others lives are important to me, but mine isn't? Why am I able to get angry, upset and pray for others that are getting messed with by the enemy, but I can't do that for myself? Why do I see others as shinning stars and I see myself as a black-hole? Why is it so easy for me to love others, but I can't love myself?

Yes -  I am angry. I am angry at the enemy for taking young lives too early and for messing with my mind. I'm angry at the enemy for not only killing people physically, but also emotinally and spiritually.

I'm angry at the enemy, and it's time I do something about it.

I'm Here.

Envelope

I don't know how many times I've shared stories where I'm in desperate need of help or resolution, and instead of going to God first and asking for His guidance or help I rely on myself until I'm utterly desperate that I run to God as a last result. This, is NOT one of those stories. It's the quite opposite really.

A few weeks ago Mr Grumpy (my dad) lost a very important envelope in the house, he miss placed it somewhere. We looked (almost) everywhere for it. We looked for days, hours at a time. But it never showed up.

When Mr Grumpy first discovered that he miss placed it I went to the location where it was supposed to be, touched the place and prayed: "God, please help us find the envelope. Reveal to us where it is."

After I prayed the pray a location came to me. I went to the location, and nothing was there. I went back to the spot where it was supposed to be, prayed the prayer again and went to another location that came to me. Again, nothing. I went one last time back to the spot and prayed the prayer again - but this time I prayed with anger and annoyance. "Come on God! Just reveal to me where the envelope is! Just tell me!!"

I sat near the spot for a while, waiting and then the word towels entered my mind. I looked up into my dad's bathroom, behind the door is a cabinet where we keep all the towels. By this time I was pretty upset and annoyed. "AH!! Yeah right, it wouldn't be there." I got up and left. We continued to look for the envelope for a few more days, without any resolution.

Then one morning while Mr Grumpy was at work and I was in the kitchen, the Hoarder (dad's fiancé) enters the kitchen with a smile on her face.

"Guess what I found?"

I look at her, unsure. "Um...?"

"THE ENVELOPE!"

"You're kidding!? Where was it?"

"In the cabinet in your dad's bathroom. Under some of the towels."

I'm noticing a trend with me. I get extremely impatient with God. I want everything instantly and when I don't get what I want in my timing I throw a fit. And when I go to God about a certain issue multiple times, I get more and more angry at Him each time I have to go back.

This was a test, I see that now; I failed it miserably. God wanted to see how determined I would be to follow His guide. Apparently I'm not very determined.

I'm disappointed in myself. I didn't trust God and I didn't look in one more location He gave. But, I believe that God isn't. I don't think He see's it as a fail, I think He see's it as a lesson. I also believe that God knows I'm trying to become a better Christ follower. He knows my desire to become more like Him, more godly.

I have to remember that God knows my heart, even if my actions don't follow it; He knows I'm after Him.

Appreciation

I've been documenting my life on paper for years. I remember when I was younger I'd like to journal, I could never keep up with it though. But I did it, because I knew it was important for me to get my feelings out instead of keeping them bottled in.

I have two journals, a prayer journal and an everyday journal. I haven't written in my prayer journal for years, since 2009. I decided that I would write in my prayer journal tonight.

I like to write out my prayers, instead of just saying them out loud or to God. I like seeing my words come to life in physical form, I feel like they receive more power that way.

After writing in my prayer journal, I flipped through different pages; I wanted to see what I prayed for so many years ago and how God had answered.

I wrote a prayer on May 3, 2009 that made my breath catch and almost made me cry. I prayed that the Lord would allow me to die. I asked God why He wouldn't let me die and I begged Him to let me go.

I know I was lost back then. I know that I was confused, I was hurting and I was in paralyzing pain. But, to see that I had actually written that - is too much for me to handle.

How could I ask to be taken out of God's protecting hand? How could I ask God to leave me? To forsake me. I begged Him, I cried out to Him, to take my life.

Thank you Lord, thank you for not answering my prayer.

Thank you for never leaving me.

Thank you for not taking me out of your hand.

Thank you, for not forsaking me.

Thank you.

Matthew Warren

“According to the Orange County Register and media reports, Saddleback Church pastor Rick Warren released a statement to church members informing them that the youngest of his three children, Matthew Warren, 27, died on Friday—apparently due to suicide. Official sources indicate a self-inflicted gunshot wound Friday morning was the cause of death.”

-Source: Christianity Today

I’ve been staring at this article for hours, reading it over and over, and I have no idea how to express how I feel.

I feel so sad that a young life was taken. It breaks my heart that one of God’s children took his own life.

I know how it is to feel overwhelmed with all the emotions running around in your head. I know how much pain comes from drowning in your own depression. I know the wanting to leave all your hurt and pain behind so that you can just breathe. And I know how it feels to wish that you were dead instead of alive.

And I know how hard and conflicting it is to know the Truth, to know God and yet still feel so alone, lost and confused. It’s hard to be a Christian dealing with depression and have thoughts of suicide. It’s so hard to be active in a church and do ‘God’s work’ when you feel like the pain will never leave you. When the enemy just want let you go. And no matter how hard you fight and claw your way up, you feel like you never get to the Light.

My heart breaks for Matthew and the Warren family. And my prayers are with them.

I empathize with Matthew. I know his pain and his longing to be free. I know these feeling oh so well.

And I thank God that I was able to overcome these thoughts, feelings and desires. I thank God with every fiber that I am that my suicide attempts didn’t work. My soul praises God endlessly that He set it free.

I feel horrible that Matthew couldn’t find the peace that I have been able to find. It hurts me, that Matthew couldn’t battle the enemy any longer.

Through Matthew’s death, it encourages me to continue to move forward. I will live, even more, for him.

The enemy will not win.

Love, will save the day.