Honesty

To some, I have weird boundaries and expectations for relationships. I’ve had a lot of bad experiences in relationships, which in return have made me harden to make new ones. I admit it; I’m hard to get close to. I’ll only let you in so far, because I’m afraid of getting hurt. But, once I do let you in, I let you see everything – and sometimes that’s too much.

I only run on extremes, extreme up or extreme down. I’m aware that my extremes give whip-lash and frost-burn. It’s a quirk of my personality. And honestly, I feel if someone can’t accept that or go with the flow of it, then I don’t want them in my life.

Which leads me, to my first limitation/boundary for relationships: If you don’t care about me, then I won’t care about you. Harsh and probably cruel, but it’s how I feel.

We learn how to work with and in relationships by our family. They’re the first relationship in our lives that we’re exposed to. And in my family, in my own personal experience, I’ve learned that you can’t always trust what people say or even their actions.

I hate fakeness; I wish people would just come out and tell me the truth. Sure, it will hurt my emotions and cause me to dwell on the past conversation. But I would rather know everything then to know parts of a blemished puzzle.

My second limitation/boundary for relationships: Don’t tell me or say things to me that you don’t mean. Don’t tell me that you’re going to meet me somewhere, when you have no intentions of being there. Don’t tell me that you’re worried about me, when your actions don’t depict that. Don’t tell me that you care for me or love me, when you don’t.

To some, these two boundaries seem odd and unnecessary. But to me, they’re essential.

This past week I’ve had two relationship issues that have triggered me, and they both came back to these two core boundaries.

Don’t tell me that you love me, when you only contact me when you need something. Don’t tell me that you care and worry about me, when you don’t ask important questions about my wellbeing. Don’t tell me that ‘you will love me’, because I don’t need it. I don’t need your love.

Don’t tell me that you love me, when you call me selfish and crazy. Don’t say that you care for me, when I share something honest and vulnerable with you and you act like your world is falling apart. Don’t say you love me, when you know nothing about me.

I don’t need your love. And I don’t need to be pacified.