"voices"

Lately I’ve become obsessed with watching TV series on DVD. I’ve been able to find a lot of my favorite shows at the local library.

One of the shows I was able to find, ‘Touched by an Angel,’ I remember watching this when I was little. I remember watching it on ‘prime time’ with my mother. Mom would sit on her bed and I would crawl behind her and we’d watch it together. I remember the laughter, the tears and the gasps of astonishment.

Re-watching the show, now that I’m older, brings me even more joy. Yes, the show is fiction and no the writers might not have gotten everything correct. But there is truth in the lessons that the “angels” try to bring to the humans they interact with.

One of the episodes I watched tonight, touched close to my heart. A little girl named Melissa was sent to a child psychologist because she was hearing “voices” – angels. Once the doctor spoke to Melissa and found out what the voices were, he instantly diagnosed her as a critical case and placed her on medication. Throughout the episode, Melissa was used as a tool to help heal the doctor. In the end, the doctor believed in God and angels again and Melissa could once again hear the angels once she was taken off the medication.

To the doctor, there was no possibility that Melissa could really be hearing angels. She was either extremely ill or making it up. There was no way that she could really be hearing angels. Growing up, I had this fear. Fear that no one would believe me if I spoke up. That people would label me as ‘weird’ or ‘crazy.’

A few years ago, I went to a Christian counselor and I told them about the “voices” that I heard. For the first time, I admitted to another person that I could hear angels and that I could hear and see demons. I opened up fully and freely, feeling for the first time in my life a sense of relief over this situation.

Later I found out that my worst fear came true. The counselor said that I was a ‘critical’ case and that I was beyond their expertise and recommended that I see a doctor who had more experience in this “issue.” The counselor said that my “voices” were a symptom of my depression.

At that moment, I instantly shut down. I didn’t know how to react to the words that the counselor said. They said very hurtful things, things that I struggled with for weeks. The comments the counselor said rang in my mind.

Was I really a lost cause?
Was I truly sick?
Were the voices my depression playing with my mind?

But God being the merciful savior that He is placed people in my life to pick me up in my weak state. And once again I found the courage to open up about my “voices.” By reopening this part of my life, the Lord healed my broken spirit by letting me met others who also had the gift of ‘seeing.’ He also placed people in my life that had the faith to believe me.

Looking back at that moment of freedom, where I allowed people into that part of my life that I kept hidden, I realize that this was the first brick to be removed from the wall of my harden heart. The fear that I allowed to engulf me kept me from the freedom that I desperately needed.

I hope and pray that others like me and Melissa will be able to find the courage and strength to one day set free the gift that is inside them.

And I pray that when they do, their path won’t cross people that won’t believe in their gift.

Growing Pains

My birthday is a week away.

In seven short days I will be 24 years old.

And I’m slightly freaking out.

Birthdays are a big deal to me. They were a big deal to my mom and are to my aunt. Not being able to celebrate this birthday with family or close friends is making me uncomfortable.

Birthdays have come to mean a lot to me the last few years. And the fact that I have been living so many has me panicked that I’m not putting the years I have been living to good use.

I always thought I’d be dead before my 21st birthday. I never thought I’d live past 20. And now here I am at almost 24 and I still have no clue what I’m doing. Or why I’m alive.

I’m grateful, that the Lord spared my life. That He didn’t open the gates of heaven when I came knocking. I’m just afraid that I’m wasting the extra time He’s given me.


~~~

To read my other birthday blogs, go here.

I Celebrate the Day

"I Celebrate the Day"
By Relient K

And with this Christmas wish is missed
The point I could convey
If only I could find the words to say to let You know
How much You've touched my life

Because here is where You're finding me,
In the exact same place as New Year's eve
And from a lack of my persistency
We're less than half as close as I want to be

And the first time that You opened Your eyes
Did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever

And the first time that You opened Your eyes
Did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever

And so this Christmas I'll compare
The things I felt in prior years
To what this midnight made so clear
That You have come to meet me here

To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me
In the hope that what You did
That you were born so I might live
To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me

And the first time that You opened Your eyes
Did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever

And the first time that You opened Your eyes
Did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever

And I, I celebrate the day
That You were born to die
So I could one day pray for You to save my life