I Have Hope

Normally on this day, I write happy cheery posts about my mom. How she was an amazing woman, how she’s now with God & how glorious that is, and I share a witty story. But today, today I’m just not feeling it. Because today, I’m not happy and I’m not strong enough to fake it.

I’m angry.

I’m angry at her for dying and changing our lives so horribly. I’m angry at her for leaving me and my dad; and making me deal with a woman that I hate and treats my dad so poorly. I’m angry at her for not teaching me the things she should have. I’m angry at her for making me feel like my words weren’t important, because now I’m too scared to share my thoughts. I’m angry that she told everyone good-bye but me.

I have hate.

I hate that the only things I can remember her saying are negative. I hate that I can’t remember her voice. I hate that I can’t remember how she looked, without looking at a picture. I hate myself, for not making her proud.

I’m weak.

I’m not strong enough today to put on a brave face. Today, I’m not willing to accept that she’s gone for some “greater good”. I’m tired of day-dreaming that she was by my side, I just wish she was. Today, I feel I will never overcome the pain that my mother’s death gave me.

I have faith.

I have faith that God won’t leave me in this horribly deep hole of depression that I’m in. I have faith that when I get to heaven, my mother will be there. I have faith that I’m not alone. I have faith, believe and know that the many powerful prayers my mother said over my life are still in effects today.

Today is a sad day, but I have hope that tomorrow will be better.

He Hears Her When She Cries

I’ve really been struggling with my depression this last month. I’ve almost cut myself three times. This last temptation, almost won, but I was drowning so far down that I couldn’t pull myself up enough to do it.

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. But, it’s not like I’ve ever really “known” what I’m doing. I flounder, it’s what I do. I bounce from space to space, never grappling to anything in particular. I’m like a helium balloon that’s been released. I just float; higher and higher, deeper and deeper.

I’ve been growing bigger on YouTube, which has been keeping me occupied; but doesn’t completely distract me. I keep thinking; if I killed myself, would my fireflies know? How would they take that?

I’m trying to stay strong. I’m trying to stay. But the darkness is calling me again. And its voice is so sweet… I just want to lay and rest.

I know these thoughts are wrong, and that I shouldn’t entertain them.

I have these young fans that look up to me. They call me their best friend; say that they love me, that I get them through the day. They say that I am this amazing person and I try to see myself through their eyes… But I can’t.

I don’t see anything, I just feel pain.

How can I help them, when I’m so empty?

How can I be a positive influence, when all I want to do it die?

…And then I breathe, and say a prayer and close my eyes. Because I know in the morning I will wake, and deep down, I’m glad for that. 

Song that accompanies this post:
 "When She Cries" by Britt Nicole.

Are You a Shopaholic?

Yes, yes I am a shopaholic; and I’m not ashamed to admit that. I’ve known this for a few years now. I discovered this about myself when I lived in Colorado. I’ve said this many times, but when I lived in Colorado I was in a really bad place mentally. I was barely surviving.

I would lock myself in my room listen to music, cut, and play The Sims 3. That is when I wasn’t at Build-a-Bear making more stuff animals then any young-adult really needs. Or buying crosses from Hobby Lobby to “grow” my collection (my collection took up one and half walls). Or at thrift stores buying books I never really intended to read.

I was constantly buying things. I would go to Walgreens and buy random things to make myself happy; stickers, candy, coloring books, and art supplies. I didn’t really realize what I was doing when I was doing. My main goal was surviving and living to the next day.

Now that I look back at it, yes, that probably wasn’t the healthiest thing for me. I shouldn’t have used materialistic things to comfort myself. Do I still do it? Heck yes! But I do control it better now.

I think, at moments we all need a little help to stabilize ourselves. And if buying something brings your mood up and aligns your thoughts & mind, then maybe it’s not that bad. Lesser than two evil’s, you know? I think indulging in ourselves every now and then is okay.

For sure we shouldn’t be doing it all the time. It shouldn’t become an addiction. The “only” way we can become happy.

Acceptance is the first step in recovery, and recovery takes time.