...grace

I’m starting over - again.

How many times do I need to learn this lesson? It would be different if this was the first time I had to deal with this issue. It would even be understandable if this was the second time. But after the fourth or fifth time, this is just plain stupidity.

So here I am, attempting to relearn this lesson again and I feel so ashamed. I feel ashamed, embarrassed, sad, angry, and overall – alone.

While looking at this issue, yet again, it’s really sinking in of how selfish I am. How self absorbed I am. How needy I am. How deceitful I am. And how much I need to let God take this away.

So, why is it so hard for me to learn this lesson?
Why is it hard for me to let this issue go?
Why can’t I let God in?

The funny thing is; I know the root to all these questions: I don’t want to let it go. I refuse to let it go. I want it. I will fight to keep it.

For some odd reason I still believe in the lie truth that this issue gives me value. That it will fulfill my needs. That it makes me special.

No matter how much my mind knows that all these statements are false, my heart still believes they’re true. Until I allow God to erase these lie truth’s from my heart I will continue to deal with this issue.

I know the solution seems simple: allow God to fix you. But lie truth’s are tricky. They install themselves into you so deep that you will run from anything that contradicts them.

Plus, there’s another lie truth that’s mixed into this beautiful web of displeasure: I cannot trust God. No matter how much my heart knows this is not true, my mind still believes it is.


So here I sit, typing in anguish and continue to relive this lesson… God give me grace.