Heart Tattoos

You know, when I got my heart tattoo it never crossed my mind that so many people would notice it. I know that thought process seems absurd, but it’s the truth! I mean I was fully aware that I was putting a tattoo on my chest, but it just never crossed my mind that it would be that noticeable. Yes, I know, another absurd thought – but we all know how slow I am.

With me working as a cashier, I see a ton of people on a daily basis. And I guess I don’t really realize/remember that I have tattoos; because I’m use to them? They’re just a part of me. But to the guests passing through my line, my tattoos are new to them.

I’m constantly getting compliments on my heart tattoo and everyone wants to know where I got it done. There are a few people who ask how I got the idea and they’re blown away when I say I helped in creating it from my own drawings.

Tonight I was ringing up a couple, it was almost closing time and I had to get a price-check. So, there we are waiting for the person to come back with the correct price and the lady asks me about my tattoo. I tell her that I had all these drawings and how I took them to the tattoo artist and he pulled elements from all of them.

“What does it mean?” Asked the man. At first I was a little unsure if I should tell them. I didn’t know how they would respond. I mean here I am at work and I didn’t want it to seem like I was my ‘preaching’ at them.

“The heart was, is my heart, it was broken and God healed it. God sent the Holy Spirit to wash it out with living water. Then the Holy Spirit refined my heart with fire. And then God came to live in my heart and reign in my life.”

The couple then went quite. The guy stared at me for a few moments.

“So you’re a believer then?”

“Yes, yes I am.”

He stared for a few more moments and then he slowly smiled and nodded.

The price check person came back and I finished ringing up their purchase. As the couple was leaving, the guy turned around waved at me, smiled and said “God bless you.”

Another opportunity I had to share about My Almighty God, and I almost missed it.

Wouldn't that have been a shame?

I Need You to LOVE Me

I need you to love me.

Because sometimes, it feels like you're the only one. The only one that does love me. I need you to see me. I need you to help me. I need you to love me. Because without your love I would be more lost then I already am.

I float around this Earth, with no real clue of what I’m supposed to do. I try to act in the way I know you would want me to. But I always mess up. And the people closest to me throw my mistakes and miss-steps in my face and I feel so alone. I feel like no one loves me at all.

All I want is love Lord. The more I search for it, the more I try to reach for it or earn it - the more I get hurt. I need you to love me Lord. Because I know your love has no strings or conditions. You love me as the mess of a person that I am.  

And, I need you to remind me that I’m loved – by you. Because sometimes, I don’t love myself. Most of the time I can’t stand myself.

So, I need you to love me Lord, because you’re the only one who truly can.

"I don't have your back?"

I admit it, I'm one of "those Christian's" who says that God's in control and prays for God's will but at the first sign of trouble quickly throws prayer and godly vibes out the window to gain control.

I'm a HORRIBLY paranoid person. I'm always afraid something is going to happen or that I'm going to lose something important or I'm going to offend someone so badly they're never going to talk to me again. I struggle a lot with paranoia. So this has me praying - a LOT. Thomas has to be one of the most prayed over cars in the world. And who knows how many angels I have protecting myself and my belongings.

Because I'm afraid of leaving my purse in a locker at work, I carry a different work wallet with me when I'm a work. It's a little ID holder that holds my team member card, a debit card and my ID. I'm usually really careful with it because I'm so paranoid that I'll lose it and someone might use my debit card.

After working Christmas Eve, I emptied my pockets placing my ID holder and keys on top of Thomas and placed everything else inside. I then grabbed my keys, got in and drove home. It wasn't till later that evening when I noticed that my ID holder was missing.

I frantically searched my work pants, the top of my dresser and Thomas trying to find it - but it didn't show up. And that's when I remembered that I placed it on top of Thomas and must have left it there.

I instantly became enraged.

"How could you let this happen God?!"
"Why didn't you remind me about the ID holder??"
"Why can't you just have it appear? I know you can do it!"
"Why don't you ever help me?!"

I was so upset and knew it had to be somewhere in the parking lot. But by this time it was dark, late and I knew cops would be out patrolling and I didn't want to take the chance of getting caught without an ID (paranoid).

So all Christmas Eve night I prayed for protection over my ID holder and continually checked my debt account online to see if it was used. I couldn't go Christmas Day to see if anyone had turned in my ID holder. And the 26th I went to the valley for a family emergency.

So here I go the 27th still panicking and praying for my ID holder as I go to work to see if anyone had turned it in. And someone had. Apparently the ID holder fell off of Thomas somewhere in the Lowe’s parking lot; someone found it and turned it in to the manager – mid-Christmas Eve

After I got my ID holder back, I thanked the manager, sent the nice stranger good vibes and then I hoped in my car, ran some errands and started my way home. As I’m sitting in the car, waiting for the train to pass, I start to think about the whole ordeal.

“And here you were yelling and cussing me. Saying I don’t care and how I never watch your back! I had taken care of the problem before you even realized there was a problem!”

I imagined God giving me a snarky smirk, with His arms crossed over His chest and a childish spark in His eyes. I just smiled to myself and shook my head.

God always has my back, if I realize it or not. You’d think by now I would remember to trust Him, instead of blaming Him. But even when I get mad, yell and blame God, He’s still there watching out for me. I might get mad at Him, but He doesn’t get mad at me.

He’s always protecting me. In ways I might never know about.

Population -- Me

I’m becoming obsessed with Matthew West. I never realized before how much I really like his music.

One of the songs that God has really placed on my heart is ‘My Own Little World’. The song talks about how we sometimes because so ‘me’ focused that we forget that there are other people in the world. We only see ‘our’ would, ‘our’ life and we don’t realize that there are people that need our help and attention.

The music video shows a man who gets up, goes to work and has a daily routine. One day he sees a homeless widow standing on the corner and he realizes that she is a human. A living, breathing human who needs his help. So he helps her out and then the music video shows how he can help all these other people.

My favorite lyric is the line: “And my own little world reached population two”.

By taking just one moment, one moment of looking up from ourselves we can bring someone else into our lives and we can influence them.

The music video shows a homeless woman, a stranded mother with a child, a man who lost his job, a veteran with a broken vehicle, and a women crying on a bench.

Now, all these examples are great and we need to remember to help people in distress. But the group of people that the Lord placed on my heart was my father’s family.

I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned on this blog how I don’t get along with my father’s family. When I think of my “family” I think of my mother’s family and the people in Texas; the family I created for myself.

I purposely go out of my way to make sure that my dad’s side of the family is left out of the loop when it comes to the details of my life. I hardly communicate with any of them and when we have family-get-together’s I make sure to keep them at arm’s length. I try to avoid them at all costs.

Now, I know this isn’t very nice or very ‘Christ’-like. I know I shouldn’t have this much resentment towards them. And my reasoning is that I don’t want their lifestyle or principles to influence me. But God is starting to show me that I need to let them into ‘my own little world’. And just because they’ll be in ‘my own little world’ doesn’t mean that they’ll influence me - I could influence them.

My uncle passed today, my dad’s brother. He and I didn’t see eye-to-eye and honestly I couldn’t stand him. He wasn’t a very nice person to my father and me. But, he was a human. He was created and loved by God. My Almighty God.

I realize that I respect him more as a human-being now that he’s dead then when he was alive. And I know that’s not right.

God is starting to show me that I can, not like people. But by me not liking them, that doesn’t mean that I can despise them or even hate them. We’re all humans. We’re all created by God. We’re all His children.

If God loves me, His child, then that means that He loves them too, His other children. I don’t have to give them control or influence in my life, but I do need to validate them as His children. And even though they might not respect me as a human-being, I need to try to respect them as one.

‘Father, break my heart for what breaks Yours
Give me open hands and open doors
Put Your light in my eyes and let me see
That my own little world is not about me’

Happy Christmas

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'Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord.' - Luke 2:11 (NIV)