For the longest time I kept all these things to myself.
It took me a long time to learn how to publicly announce how I feel or what I’m
thinking.
I have a private blog that I’ve had for years, since
2004. I wrote in that blog day after day after day. I kept everything to
myself. I was so afraid to let anyone else see it. It wasn’t till 2008 when I
made a public blog. I was moving away and I thought it would be easier to keep
everyone updated that way. And now four years later, I still have the public
blog up and I write in the private one less and less.
I hardly write in it actually. I have finally become
comfortable to unveil my true self. I’m no longer afraid to show my crazy. Cause I am crazy, and I’m okay
with that.
I’m writing all of this to say, that I’m okay. I’m doing
okay, most days. For now. Recovery and healing is a road, a road that needs to
be taken a little at a time.
I know that sometimes I write more bad then good. I share
how much I’m struggling without giving any hope of redemption. I’m an extreme.
I am either really high or really low. I’m still working on that.
It’s come to my attention that I share that I struggle
with thoughts of self-harm (from time to time), but I’ve never actually come
out and said that I don’t self-harm.
At the end of this summer (2013), it will be two years
since I last harmed myself. It’s such a crazy thought to me. It feels like it’s
been so much longer and yet some days it seems like it was just yesterday.
I don’t struggle with thoughts of self-harm or suicide
daily or even weekly. I’m not going to lie though; I do still get those
thoughts. It’s just not as often and not as vivid.
When I do get these thoughts, I share them because I need
the accountability. I need someone to know how I’m feeling and how close I am
to the edge. I also share them because it’s my redemption. I’m going to make it
through this, by clinging onto God – I know He won’t let me go.
I just thought I should share that.
I’m okay.
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