She Shall Be Clean

I listen to this song a lot, when I'm grasping for a string to hold onto. I discovered it in my teens (shortly after the song was released), and I instantly gravitated towards it. It's a song about self-harm, felling alone and how God is always there and will never leave you.

“She's pulling down her long sleeves
To cover all the memories that scars leave
She says, ‘maybe making me bleed
will be the answer that could wash the slate clean’"

"will be the answer that could wash the slate clean". This line always stood out to me. I have always said that I cut because it's easier to feel physical pain then emotional/mental pain. However, a lie truth I believe is: 'cutting will make it better'. That somehow by me harming myself will make the pain, problem, and situation better. That magically, seeing my blood will change my circumstance and my life will be "good" and "happy".

But that's never the case.

I was reading in the book of Leviticus yesterday, for Wednesday night Bible study, when I ran across this verse:

“Then she shall be clean from the flow of her blood”. -Leviticus 12:7b

For those who don't know what the book of Leviticus is about, or what chapter 12 is about, the beginning of the book documents the ritual traditions that the Israelites were to follow; and chapter 12 describes what a women is to do after giving birth to become clean again.

Now, I've never given birth and I'm not trying to relate self-harm to the miracle of life - but that verse really stood out to me. 

In my study Bible footnotes, it says: 'The loss of blood signifies that one is incomplete and unclean'.

“And the priest shall make atonement for her, and she shall be clean”. -Leviticus 12:8c

Under the new covenant, Jesus Christ is the high priest and His atonement was His dying on the cross.

definition; atonement - satisfaction or reparation for a wrong or injury; amends.

For so many years I’ve been placing a blade to my skin to make things ‘better’, when Jesus had already done that. Jesus has already made things ‘better’, He’s already made me clean. No more blood needs to be spilled for my life. Enough blood has been spilled.

And the more I cut myself, the more of my own blood I spill, makes me incomplete. I’m trying so hard to piece myself back together; so why do I continue to tear myself apart?

“Every day's the same
She fights to find her way
She hurts, she breaks, she hides, and tries to pray
She'll be just fine, cause now he hears her when she cries”

Song: "When She Cries" by Britt Nicole