Bad Days

We all have days that are mentally and emotionally bad. Right? Or is that just me?

Days where it feels like your mind is racing and you cannot grasp your thoughts. Days where your emotions are on a high speed rollercoaster that has no ending. Days, where you just want to crawl into a ball and cry.

I know I say and share a lot of things on this blog. But one thing I still feel uncomfortable and ashamed of sharing and saying are the things I struggle with on a day to day basis. Sure I am open and honest, but that’s with things I feel like I have a ‘handle’ on. I am always vague when it comes to things that hold me captive at the exact moment I am writing.

I don’t know if I’ve ever come straight out and said I struggle with controlling my mind and thoughts. I know I’ve shared that I struggle(d) with depression, self-harm and suicidal thoughts. But I don’t think I’ve ever shared how hard it is for me to operate when I’m having a ‘bad day’ or when I’m struggling with these things. I don’t think I even know how to express these particular issues in words.

I struggle, a lot, with depression.
I struggle, on a daily basis, with my self-confidence.
I struggle, every second, with keeping my mind ‘in-check.’

Every moment, of every day, I have to take my thoughts captive and force them to be happy or godly thoughts. Every moment, I have to examine my thoughts and make a conscience decision if it’s a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ thought. Every moment, EVERY MOMENT, I have to be fully aware of what I’m thinking.

This might seem retarded or extreme, even unrealistic, but I have to be aware of what my mind is doing. Because if I’m not I unknowingly can go down a very dark and slippery path. A path I hate going down, but find myself on a LOT.

So yea, I have bad days. And those bad days feel like the end of me. And even though I fight and fight and fight against them, I feel like I will never win. I feel like these bad days, will be all that there ever will be.

But, then one day the line of bad days end and I finally feel hope again. But by then, the bad days have left me as a shell and I feel defeated. And God always comes, fills me up and I feel whole again.

But I just wish these bad days didn’t have to happen. BECAUSE I HATE THEM. I hate going down that dark path where I feel like the only way to make the bad days stop is to hurt myself.


I don’t know if this makes sense. This might only make sense to a group of people that know how this feels. That struggle, like I do, with controlling their emotions and mind. Or, this might not make sense to anyone and I’m the only one who feels this way. I DON’T KNOW.

But what I do know, I can’t keep all this inside. I can’t keep these thoughts and emotions inside, to run my life. So even though I have ‘bad days,’ I know I can’t give into them. Which is hard, cause that’s all I feel like I want to do. I feel like there’s no other choice.

And that is why I have to watch my mind.
And why I hate bad days.

Because no matter how much my heart, soul and spirit knows that God will keep me safe and protected. My mind, thoughts and emotions refuse to believe in my Almighty God.