Catch and Stop

My mind has defiantly been a battlefield the last few days. I am glad to say that I’m winning. It’s hard to stand on your own, especially when you’re fighting your own thoughts. It’s like you’re trapped, in your own mind.

I’ve become obsessed with watching Criminal Minds lately. One of the characters is Dr. Spencer Reed. He’s a super genius with tons of doctorates and masters. He’s socially awkward, is usually unsure of himself and has a schizophrenic mother. His greatest fear is that he too will be diagnosed with this disorder.

Throughout the series Reed struggles with keeping his mind in order and clear. In an episode a sociopathic teenage boy went to Reed and admitted that he was struggling with his thoughts and emotions. Reed instantly related to the boy and tried to help in any way. One of the other characters confronted Reed telling him that he wasn’t responsible for the boy. “I know how it feels to be afraid of your own mind,” Reed responded.

I wonder how many people know this feeling. I know as an adolescent I was terrified of my mind – at moments, I still am. I surrounded myself with loud music and books to distract myself and to drown out the noise. I wanted my mind to stop racing. I wanted to stop all my thoughts and all my desires. My desires felt as if they controlled me. I wanted to want to stop harming myself.

At the end of the episode the boy tried to kill himself. The boy thought if he killed himself he would be saving all the lives he would take in the future. Reed saved him. Reed confessed to one of his superiors that he was glad that he saved the boy, but he was afraid that he might have saved a soon to be murder. “What if he starts killing when he’s older?” Reed asked. “Then you catch him and stop him.”

Catch him and stop him. It sounds so simple, doesn’t it? To identify the issue and then correct or destroy it. When your mind feels so out of control, you’re aware that something could be wrong but you don’t know how to fix it. I thought about and attempted suicide, I thought it was the only way to make my mind stop racing. It wasn’t until I realized that I had to take ONE thing at a time and correct it, until my mind started to slow down.

It took me a while, but I slowed down my mind and I regained control of it. It was a hard, messy and stretching journey – but I made it through. I also realized that I couldn’t heal myself. I had to rely on experienced others and on God. I had to trust that He had a plan and a future for me, and that He would get me there.

And He did. And He is.

“I’m scared to death of light and silence
Jesus kill me inside this
Raise me up to live again
Like you did, like you did

Glory shows up
Exposes us
I’m naked here
Forsaken here
By the dark
By the dark
Damn the dark.”
-"In the Dark" by Flyleaf