Muscle Memory

I like to think I’ve matured. That I’ve grown up. I’m an adult, or that at least I act like one. But then I have moments and make actions that I wish I could take back. In these moments I don’t act ‘grown up’ or like an ‘adult.’ I don’t act mature, I act like the lost scared girl I was.

I’m constantly dealing with triggers, triggers that drag me back into my depression and sadness. Triggers that don’t only mentally take me back but also emotionally, and when those emotions come rushing back like an open dam I revert back to the person I don’t want to be.

I left home, because I knew I couldn’t find healing and safety there. My biggest fear moving back to California was living in that house again. Now that I’m here living in this house, I do see the growth I’ve made – I am a different person. I moved back to California because I knew it was time for me to mend the relationship I left in shambles. I needed to face my demons head on.

I think for the most part I’m doing well. However, sometimes memories of past events invade my mind and I relive that fear, hopelessness and destruction. Or certain words are said and I react the same way I would have four years ago. I’m afraid that the ghosts of the past are reflecting the present instead of the other way around.

I knew this house was going to influence me. I just hope that I’m strong enough to not allow it to engulf me – again.