This is a Call Out

I remember when I first discovered this song; I thought it was my life to the 'T'. It's like Trevor himself wrote about me, as if I told him all the details of my life and my situation and he wrote it in a song for all to see. 

“She fooled all of her friends into thinking she's so strong,
But she still sleeps with the light on,
And she acts like it's all right on, as she smiles again.

Then her mother lies there sick with cancer,
And her friends don't understand her,
She's a question without answers, who feels like falling apart.
She knows, she's so much more than worthless,
She needs to find her purpose,
She wonders what she did to deserve this, and…”

Thousand Foot Krutch is my second favorite band (of all time). And this song is my second favorite song. I don't think I've ever actually stated either of these facts on this blog. If you've been reading my blog for any long length of time you would know what my favorite song it ('Wishesand Dreams') and who my favorite artist is (Stellar Kart), because I talk about them ALL the time. 

However, TFK has a very special place in my heart and in my life. A private/intimate place.

Whenever I'm going through a medium to difficult situation in my life, my first response is to turn TFK on. I don’t know how many times I’ve cried to myself and/or wrote journal entries with TFK blasting in my ears. I relate to so many of their songs, this song is just one of many songs I feel were taken from my journals.

I discovered TFK at my very first Acquire the Fire event. Ha ha, it really is quite funny how my life kind of revolves around ATF. Anywho, I had just started listening to Christian music and seeing TFK perform live on this huge stage with hundreds of people all around me and their music blaring through the speakers – something just clicked. After the concert I went to their table and I bought all the CD’s they had released at the time. I then went home and listened to their music NON-STOP.

This all happened a few months before my mom died.

I vividly remember sitting in the car, being driven home from school, Air1 playing on the car stereo when this song came through the speakers. Like I said in the beginning of this entry, it was my life to the very detail.

I had just started to self-harm, my mom was in the middle of her fight with pancreatic cancer, and I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone about how I was feeling or thinking. I was so confused, lost and scared; and there was Trevor singing my story.

“She's calling out to you, this is a call; this is a call out,
'Cause every time I fall down, I reach out to you,
and I'm losing all control now, and my hazard signs are all out,
I'm asking you, to show me what this life is all about.

Have you ever felt this way before?
'cause I don't wanna hide here anymore.
Take me to the place where nothing's wrong, thanks for coming, shut the door.
They say someone out there sees us,
Well if you're real then save me Jesus,
'cause I've been this way for far too long.
I wasn't meant to feel alone.

Show me what this life is all about
Show me what this life is all about”

I played this song over and over and over. It became my anthem for a very long time; it became a part of me.

This is one of the songs that started my love affair with music.

Whenever I hear this song, I can’t help but remember this hard time in my life. But, I’m glad to say, that I no longer see it with pain and hurt.

God knew what He was doing. He placed me at that ATF, in that seat for a reason. He knew I would connect with TFK. He knew I would become obsessed with their music. And He knew that this song would be the rope I desperately needed to cling to. He knew that seed would get me through the hard years ahead of me.

He gave me a gift; a precious, life altering gift, that I will always be grateful for.

Song: "This is a Call" by Thousand Foot Krutch

Hold On, Small One

"Hold On, Small One"

by Loftland

Abandoned on the open water
Surrounded by the crashing waves
I shiver as the sky grows darker
And fear creeps up inside my veins
And now I can't help but wonder
How did I get in over my head
The ship and I are going under
But I can hear a voice that says

Hold on
Small one
I'm right beside you
When the storms they come
And all your hope is gone
You've got to
Hold on
Small one
I'll never leave you
When your world comes down
And when you come undone
Hold on

Washed up on a lonely shoreline
Surrounded by the sky and sand
I try but I can't build no shelter
And hope is slipping through my hands
Oh, I can't help but wonder
How did I get in over my head
I tremble at the coming thunder
But I can hear a voice that says

Hold on
Small one
I'm right beside you
When the storms they come
And all your hope is gone
You've got to
Hold on
Small one
I'll never leave you
When your world comes down
And when you come undone
Hold on

Your ship's going down
And you're going to drown
If you would just take my hand
I'd pull you back out
You're never too far gone or too far out to sea
Your ship's going down
And you're going to drown
If you would just take my hand
I'd pull you back out
You're never too far gone or too far out of reach

Hold on
Small one
I'm right beside you
When the storms they come
And all your hope is gone
You've got to
Hold on
Small one
I'll never leave you
When your world comes down
And when you come undone
Hold on

(Abandoned on the open water)
(Surrounded by the crashing waves)
(I shiver as the sky grows darker)
(And fear creeps up inside my veins)

Natural Imbalance

A couple of weeks ago, I went to the doctors to get a check-up and the other day I went back to get my results. The tests came back fine and it turns out I’m pretty healthy. I know, shocker to a lot of people.

Any-who, I did have one result that was low and the doctor prescribed me medication to raise it. I got the prescription filled and as I was reading the little paper that came with it (what it is, what it does and what the side effects are) I laughed silently to myself.

Side effects: hair loss, increased sweating, sensitivity to heat, mental/mood changes, tiredness, diarrhea, shaking (tremor), headache and shortness of breath.

I have most of these “symptoms” on a daily basis (without taking anything). How in the world am I supposed to know if they’re being caused by the medication?!?

Oh, the natural imbalance of the human body. Gotta love it. Ha ha.

Where You Belong

"Where You Belong"

by Kari Kimmel

If you're feeling down or weak
You can always count on me
I will always pick you up
Nothing's ever gonna change
Nothing's gettin' in my way
I will always hold you up

Anything
Come what may
Don't look back forget yesterday
Forget yesterday

It's not where you come from
It's where you belong
Nothin' I would trade
I wouldn't have it any other way
You're surrounded
By love and you're wanted
So never feel alone
You are home with me
Right where you belong

I know sometimes you're feeling lost
It's hard to find your place in it all
But you don't have to fear
Even when you mess up
You always got my love
I'm always right here
Oh, cause

Anything
Come what may
Don't look back forget yesterday
Forget yesterday

Oooo Oooo
Don't matter where you've been
Oooo Oooo
You're here for a reason

Oooo Oooo
Nooo

Puppy in the Stroller

Since October I’ve been walking the dogs on and off on a daily basis. After Christmas, I noticed that Mona started getting really tired half way through our walk.

This got me thinking… we’ve had Mona for about eight years. We rescued her from a family member, who got her from someone else. Mona was used as a breeding dog for years before we got her. So, with this guessmathiation that puts her at around 13, maybe 14 years old.

Every morning I drive me and the puppies to the park, where we walk the park three times. In the beginning of January, I started placing Mona back in the car after only one walk around, because I knew she couldn’t keep up – and I felt awful about it.

A few months back, I heard about a cat stroller. And I thought, “That would work”. So I started looking online and at local pet stores to see if I could find a reasonably priced one; but had no luck.

Then, over the weekend I went to the swap met with my family and guess what I ran into?! A doggie stroller, after a little haggling I got it for an unbelievable price of $25.

As soon as I got home I set the stroller up and ran outside to grab Mona. I slowly adjusted her to it; letting her see it, getting her close to it, moving it around her, me holding her and moving it. After a couple of minutes I placed her in it, without closing it up, I played with her, petted her and gave her kisses. I then zipped her in and pushed her down the street and back. To say she LOVED IT would be an understatement.

So the next day, I walked Mona (and the other dogs) one time around the park and then we headed back to the car and I pulled the stroller out of the trunk. As soon as the stroller was out of the car and in the upright position, Mona walked right to it and sat next to it panting – she knew what it meant. I threw Mona in, zipped her up and she was ready to go. The other dogs on the other hand…

It took Boo a couple of minutes to get use to being hooked up to it, but she adjusted quickly. However, Parker being the baby that he is, acted like he was going to die. It took him a full circle around the park to realize that the stroller wasn’t going to kill him and that he couldn’t escape from it.

After a couple of days, all the dogs seem to have adjusted well. I’ve gotten a few weird looks and laughs with pushing a puppy in a stroller around. But Mona loves it and I don’t have to leave her behind. It’s a win, win.

With all the new adjustments to accommodate Mona, it’s really made me realize how fast time is moving. I’m slowly starting to realize that Mona is slowing down; she’s become less active and sleeps so much more. My sweet little psycho angel is coming to the end of her life – and that frightens me.

All I can do is continue to give her all my love, care, attention and make the rest of her life as amazing as possible… And continue to spoil her.

She Shall Be Clean

I listen to this song a lot, when I'm grasping for a string to hold onto. I discovered it in my teens (shortly after the song was released), and I instantly gravitated towards it. It's a song about self-harm, felling alone and how God is always there and will never leave you.

“She's pulling down her long sleeves
To cover all the memories that scars leave
She says, ‘maybe making me bleed
will be the answer that could wash the slate clean’"

"will be the answer that could wash the slate clean". This line always stood out to me. I have always said that I cut because it's easier to feel physical pain then emotional/mental pain. However, a lie truth I believe is: 'cutting will make it better'. That somehow by me harming myself will make the pain, problem, and situation better. That magically, seeing my blood will change my circumstance and my life will be "good" and "happy".

But that's never the case.

I was reading in the book of Leviticus yesterday, for Wednesday night Bible study, when I ran across this verse:

“Then she shall be clean from the flow of her blood”. -Leviticus 12:7b

For those who don't know what the book of Leviticus is about, or what chapter 12 is about, the beginning of the book documents the ritual traditions that the Israelites were to follow; and chapter 12 describes what a women is to do after giving birth to become clean again.

Now, I've never given birth and I'm not trying to relate self-harm to the miracle of life - but that verse really stood out to me. 

In my study Bible footnotes, it says: 'The loss of blood signifies that one is incomplete and unclean'.

“And the priest shall make atonement for her, and she shall be clean”. -Leviticus 12:8c

Under the new covenant, Jesus Christ is the high priest and His atonement was His dying on the cross.

definition; atonement - satisfaction or reparation for a wrong or injury; amends.

For so many years I’ve been placing a blade to my skin to make things ‘better’, when Jesus had already done that. Jesus has already made things ‘better’, He’s already made me clean. No more blood needs to be spilled for my life. Enough blood has been spilled.

And the more I cut myself, the more of my own blood I spill, makes me incomplete. I’m trying so hard to piece myself back together; so why do I continue to tear myself apart?

“Every day's the same
She fights to find her way
She hurts, she breaks, she hides, and tries to pray
She'll be just fine, cause now he hears her when she cries”

Song: "When She Cries" by Britt Nicole

Unconditionally

"Unconditionally"

by Katy Perry

Oh no, did I get too close?
Oh, did I almost see what's really on the inside?
All your insecurities
All the dirty laundry
Never made me blink one time

Unconditional, unconditionally
I will love you unconditionally
There is no fear now
Let go and just be free
I will love you unconditionally

Come just as you are to me
Don't need apologies
Know that you are worthy
I'll take your bad days with your good
Walk through the storm I would
I do it all because I love you, I love you

Unconditional, unconditionally
I will love you unconditionally
There is no fear now
Let go and just be free
I will love you unconditionally

So open up your heart and just let it begin
Open up your heart and just let it begin
Open up your heart and just let it begin
Open up your heart

Acceptance is the key to be
To be truly free
Will you do the same for me?

Unconditional, unconditionally
I will love you unconditionally
And there is no fear now
Let go and just be free
'Cause I will love you unconditionally (oh yeah)
I will love you (unconditionally)
I will love you
I will love you unconditionally

Magical

I love Jon Foreman's voice. I think it just get's better with time.

I use to hate acoustic versions of songs. It annoyed me so much. I couldn't comprehend why someone would ruin a song that was skillfully crafted with electric instruments with dead hollow sound.

Somewhere, over time, I learned to love acoustic songs. Honestly, I prefer them now. How's that for irony?

There's something about stripping a song down to the basics. Just a voice, a few strung strings, a solid bass and the words. You get to the heart; to the core of the songs' life. And it can touch your soul; you and the song become one.

A properly arranged song, is life changing. And then if you turn that to acoustic, it becomes magical.


And if you get Jon Foreman to sing it, it's just heavenly.

Song: "Love Alone Is Worth The Fight" by Switchfoot