Angel's Wings

"This is the day the Lord has made;

We will rejoice and be glad in it."

-Psalm 118:24; New King James Version 

A couple of years ago, I started to associate July the 7th with this verse. I had to forcefully change the thoughts of my mind. I had to chose to be happy, instead of depressed. Which is odd, because at the time I would try to change my thought patterns about other things and it didn't work. But for this it did, I think because I was heavily in denial and it was easier to force happy then accept what was the truth.

I also started to use the phrase: "Happy July 7th!" I knew I had to bring joy into this day for myself, or the guilt and remorse would eat me alive. 

For a long time, I blamed myself for my mother's death. Depending on the day, I still do. Whenever I have that thought, I feel so guilty and I hate myself...

A few years ago, I was involved in this therapy called Theophostic Prayer.

"Theophostic is a ministry of helping emotionally wounded people to acknowledge and to identify the true source of their inner emotional pain and find lasting peace through receiving personalized truth directly from the Lord." 

- Source.

In the sessions, you pick a topic (situation) that you would like to work though, you explain it a bit to the facilitator and then you ask the Lord to show you what He saw or felt during the situation or ask why.

I think it was April 20th when I had my session about the day my mom died. The day of her birth. I was so full of emotions, anger, bitterness, guilt, shame, and hatred for myself. I was extremely triggered and completely on edge that my mentor and I had to have an emergency session.

My mentor at the time was learning how to become a facilitator for Theophostic and since my normal facilitator was unavailable we had a session just the two of us. 

I don't exactly remember what happened that day. I don't remember what God told me or what I said. But I remember from that day, it wasn't as hard to face my mother's passing. I finally felt peace that it was God's will and I truly accepted that I wasn't alone that day.

One of the major reason's I blamed myself, was because I woke up that day knowing something was going to happen. I've said this before on this blog; I have a gift where I can sense the spiritual realm. I can sense and sometimes see things in the spiritual world. 

During this session of working through the day my mom passed, somehow the guilt I had of knowing something was going to happen came up. And God revealed to me that it was all the angels. They were preparing for my mom. They were getting ready to take her home. The feeling I had, the sense of something was off, I was sensing the excitement of Heaven. I took the feeling as a bad one, but it wasn't, it was a good one - a great one!

The more we worked through the memory the more God relieved Himself to me. I was starting to understand - at least my feelings. 

I then started to talk about another guilt of mine. I stood next to my mother's side when she started to slip away. I hated myself for not running to call the ambulance sooner. I stood next to her, until I knew she was gone and then I panicked and ran to get help. I hated myself for not going sooner, for waiting until it was too late.

And then God showed me a vision of me by my mother's side and this HUGE angel beside us. He was just standing there, with us. His wings held up, stretched out. And he just stood there, behind me. I watched as the whole scene played out and the angel never moved. When I panicked and screamed and ran for help, he didn't flee, he didn't leave - he stayed with me. He never left my side.

I wasn't alone that day. I thought I was. But I wasn't. God sent angels for my mother and God sent an angel for me. God was watching out for me. This day that brought me so much pain, hurt and guilt wasn't supposed to be that way. It was supposed to be a day of peace and joy.

Today, makes 8 years since my mother has been in Heaven. I had so many memories of our time together today. But this memory stood out to me the most. Not because it was the last one we had, or because it was so traumatizing. But because I know it was the greatest one. I was with my mother when she went to Heaven. I felt the angels that took her. 

I know for a fact that she was okay. That she is okay. And that I was okay too.