Breathe

I've been obsessing over this song the last few days. It was the breath of fresh air that I desperately needed.

"When heaven seems so far away

And dreams are just a memory

When love is all too hard to hold

Just take a breath and let it...

Go whoa oh, whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh

Just keep breathing, breathing, breathing

Whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh

Just keep breathing, breathing, breathing"

I've been in manic mode the last few weeks. My thoughts have been racing, I've been on edge and triggery. It was like I couldn't catch my breath. I kept gasping over and over, trying to fill my lungs. But instead it felt like they were getting full of water.

There was an incident on Friday, that almost pushed me off the ledge I was teetering on. I've been teetering on this ledge a lot lately, and I've fallen off it most of the time.

But, in this moment, with my mind spinning, my thoughts racing, my emotions in over-drive and my skin craving the blade... My fighting instinct finally kicked in.

"2 A.M., too tired to sleep
When what you want's not what you need
And when these walls don't feel like home
Remember that you're not alone

The beginning's just another end
It's not too late to start again
When hope is all too hard to hold
Just take a breath and let it go"

I sat still. Took a deep breath and forced my mind to clear. I haven't been manic for so long, I forgot how paralyzing it is. I also forgot that I control it, it doesn't control me.

Isn't it amazing what a soothing breath can do? How it can clear your mind. Make your world better. Give you hope.

It's amazing how taking one extra moment for yourself can get you to the next second. I need to remember to take that moment more often. 

"When heaven seems so far away
And dreams are just a memory
Without the dark the light won't show
Remember that you're not alone
When you watch the world just turn away
And break the promises it made
When love is all too hard to hold
Just take a breath and let it go"

Song: "Just Keep Breathing" by We The Kings

Just Keep Breathing

"Just Keep Breathing"

by We The Kings

When heaven seems so far away
And dreams are just a memory
Without the dark the light won't show
Remember that you're not alone

When you watch the world just turn away
And break the promises it made
When love is all too hard to hold
Just take a breath and let it go

Whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh
Just keep breathing, breathing, breathing
Whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh
Just keep breathing, breathing, breathing

2 A.M., too tired to sleep
When what you want's not what you need
And when these walls don't feel like home
Remember that you're not alone

The beginning's just another end
It's not too late to start again
When hope is all too hard to hold
Just take a breath and let it go

Whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh
Just keep breathing, breathing, breathing
Whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh
Just keep breathing, breathing, breathing

Ooh ooh...

When heaven seems so far away
And dreams are just a memory
When love is all too hard to hold
Just take a breath and let it...

Go whoa oh, whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh
Just keep breathing, breathing, breathing
Whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh, whoa whoa oh
Just keep breathing, breathing, breathing

Honesty

To some, I have weird boundaries and expectations for relationships. I’ve had a lot of bad experiences in relationships, which in return have made me harden to make new ones. I admit it; I’m hard to get close to. I’ll only let you in so far, because I’m afraid of getting hurt. But, once I do let you in, I let you see everything – and sometimes that’s too much.

I only run on extremes, extreme up or extreme down. I’m aware that my extremes give whip-lash and frost-burn. It’s a quirk of my personality. And honestly, I feel if someone can’t accept that or go with the flow of it, then I don’t want them in my life.

Which leads me, to my first limitation/boundary for relationships: If you don’t care about me, then I won’t care about you. Harsh and probably cruel, but it’s how I feel.

We learn how to work with and in relationships by our family. They’re the first relationship in our lives that we’re exposed to. And in my family, in my own personal experience, I’ve learned that you can’t always trust what people say or even their actions.

I hate fakeness; I wish people would just come out and tell me the truth. Sure, it will hurt my emotions and cause me to dwell on the past conversation. But I would rather know everything then to know parts of a blemished puzzle.

My second limitation/boundary for relationships: Don’t tell me or say things to me that you don’t mean. Don’t tell me that you’re going to meet me somewhere, when you have no intentions of being there. Don’t tell me that you’re worried about me, when your actions don’t depict that. Don’t tell me that you care for me or love me, when you don’t.

To some, these two boundaries seem odd and unnecessary. But to me, they’re essential.

This past week I’ve had two relationship issues that have triggered me, and they both came back to these two core boundaries.

Don’t tell me that you love me, when you only contact me when you need something. Don’t tell me that you care and worry about me, when you don’t ask important questions about my wellbeing. Don’t tell me that ‘you will love me’, because I don’t need it. I don’t need your love.

Don’t tell me that you love me, when you call me selfish and crazy. Don’t say that you care for me, when I share something honest and vulnerable with you and you act like your world is falling apart. Don’t say you love me, when you know nothing about me.

I don’t need your love. And I don’t need to be pacified.

Untitled

I've been working on this picture for a few days now.

As in all heart drawing I make. The heart is mine. You see the outside red shell of the heart and then the inside of the heart is put into three pieces. This can represent God, the Holy Spirit and Jesus. Or, it could be what makes up my heart: God, my emotions/mind and my environment.

The heart has locked itself into a dark box. And has placed up "protective" tools to keep the box intact. An umbrella is set on top of the box to protect it from the holy cleansing water of the Spirit. And a metal sheet is placed on the side of the box to protect it from the renewing fire of the Spirit.

There's something missing, in the left corner; but I can't see it just yet. And I don't have a title for it either.

But just looking at the picture and seeing what it represents, is frightening. After everything I've done and been through. After all the stages of my heart. I'm still keeping it locked up, under protection and away from God.

Why? Why am I doing that?

Broken Hallelujah

"Broken Hallelujah"

by The Afters

I can barely stand right now.
Everything is crashing down,
And I wonder where You are.

I try to find the words to pray.
I don't always know what to say,
But You're the one that can hear my heart.

Even though I don't know what your plan is,
I know You're making beauty from these ashes.

I've seen joy and I've seen pain.
On my knees, I call Your name.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

With nothing left to hold onto,
I raise these empty hands to You.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

You know the things that have brought me here.
You know the story of every tear.
‘Cause You've been here from the very start.

Even though I don't know what your plan is,
I know You're making beauty from these ashes.

I've seen joy and I've seen pain.
On my knees, I call Your name.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

With nothing left to hold onto,
I raise these empty hands to You.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

When all is taken away, don't let my heart be changed.
Let me always sing Hallelujah
When I feel afraid, don't let my hope be erased
Let me always sing Hallelujah.
Let me always sing Hallelujah.

I will always sing
I will always sing
Here's my broken hallelujah.

Spin

Cycling

I’ve stated before on here, that I go through manic episodes of journaling/blogging.

I go through stages where I write everything out; all of my feelings, thoughts, emotions and actions. I document my entire day. By either writing or typing it out, or by taking pictures. That’s usually when I’m feeling ‘normal’, like myself.

Or when I’m ‘manic’, when I feel like my whole world is crumbling down around me. It’s the only thing that keeps me stable and centered.

But when I’m depressed, down and indifferent; I can’t be bothered by documenting my existence.

Lately, I haven’t been bothered to document my existence. But today, I had a manic episode, and the only thing I could seem to control was my hand to hold a pen to form words.

I wrote all of that, TODAY. Just today, I wrote 24 pages. And everything I wrote about, I hadn’t written about before. I don’t know if I became manic because I was keeping all this in, or because I was manic, I was finally forced to write everything out.

All I know is that I really need to stop these spurts of ‘on and off again’ writing. Writing is the only thing that grounds me. You’d think I would learn that by now and stop all of my cycling.