When I was an adolescent and was struggling with my depression and self-harm, I would say: "It doesn't matter what I go through, as long as God brings me through it and I can save one persons life".
I realize now, that was a REALLY stupid thing to say. Yes, my intent was pure and innocent. But I have no doubt in my mind that the enemy took that statement and ran with it. The enemy pushed me to my limits. The enemy hit me with everything he had and I put a bigger target over my head then there already was.
Lately, I've been feeling more like this will never happen. That all my hurt, pain and turmoil was for nothing and that I will never positively affect another persons life (or the world).
I've been in a slump. I haven't done anything productive or positive in my life (physical or spiritual), in the last three years. I'm just here. Turning oxygen into carbon dioxide.
The last few days, I've really been convicted by the fact that I'm not living as a Forsaken Fighter. That I'm not living 'on the front lines'. For a long time, I've been feeling like I've been wasting my life.
But, on the other hand, I don't really feel motivated to do anything. To improve myself or my life.
I've just recently come out of a bad patch. I feel like I was beaten to a pulp and then set on fire. I'm no where near ready to be motivated to do anything. Let alone be an 'example' or a 'light'. And won't be ready to fight any time soon.
But that doesn't stop the guilt or shame that I'm wasting my time. That doesn't stop the thoughts that I'm not a fighter but a coward. Or the turmoil I feel that my life means nothing.
I feel defeated, and I don't know if I have it in me to get back up.
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