School of Worship

Coming to the HA I had two goals in mind.

Goal one: Grow in Christ, become disciplined, and become the godly women God wants me to be.
Goal two: Earning a spot in the School of Worship and honing my (lack of) musical skill.

At home I practiced and practiced, trying to learn and sharpen my knowledge of the piano. I spent tons of hours with my aunt leaning new songs and trying to perfect them. I spent countless hours online looking for songs to play and then practicing them. Countless hours of sitting at a piano and wishing that it would explode. Countless hours of singing and playing the piano. And to be honest, I thought I had come a long way in the short amount of time I had prior to arriving to HA.

I had my whole year at HA planned out. I would come to HA, learn and grow in Christ; then enter School of Worship and perfect my musical skills and learn to write amazing, beautiful and life-changing songs. But sadly, God didn’t have that in mind for me. Some times it’s hard to remember that it’s God’s will and not yours.

When I was called to do my audition I was so nervous, I couldn’t remember the notes, the keys, and the pitch. I was so nervous. After my audition they told me that I had courage and if I kept at it I could probably do great, but for the time being I was just not what they were looking for. Their words pierced my heart.

Music is my life; I constantly have it on, constantly singing words to a lyric and constantly reference songs and bands to everyday situations. And I feel like I am to glorify God with music. So when I was told that I wasn’t going to be accepted, I felt like a part of me had died; a part of me that had kept me alive for a long time. And then when the list of names of people who were accepted into SOW was posted, I tried so hard to force myself not to look; but I couldn’t. Looking at that list and not seeing my name, confirmed that the door of SOW was closed; for the time being.

Looking around and seeing so many happy people, so excited and proud that they had gotten in; broke my heart. A good friend that I made on the bus the first day heading to HA had tried out and he made it. I was so happy and proud of him, but I couldn’t help but feel a bit jealous. Looking at the names on the list and seeing all the people who were excited that they were accepted – I noticed that almost everyone who had tried had gotten accepted.

At that moment, Satan had a crack to squeeze in through; and he took it. Ever since the day I was told I was most likely not going to be accepted Satan was using that tab bit of sad information against me to keep me from worshiping God.

Again, music is my core inner being. So being able to worship God is a time that I cherish and look forward to everyday. It’s a time where it’s just me and God, where I can go and crawl into his lap and love on him. And Satan had invaded that sacred moment.

He filled my head with doubts, regret and bitterness; feeding me lies that God couldn’t hear my worship. That I wasn’t worthy to worship and bitterness that God gave me this passion but then didn’t give the means. I struggled for days after the audition to get back into the comfort, sacred and loving place that God and I once shared; but once that list was posted Satan used all those lies again to keep me from God.

I was so upset, furious and hurt; I didn’t know what to think, what to say or how to react. I didn’t know how to worship God any more. The inner music in my soul had been shunned out. The door I once used to feel God, the only way I knew God was now closed and I didn’t know how to reopen it. I constantly find myself crying out to God; I know he thinks I’m a cry baby – ha. I sat and I spoke to him, I didn’t worship, I didn’t cry, didn’t plead, I just spoke to God and I realized that God didn’t place this sadness in my life to hurt me, but to make me stronger. And that I was feeding off of the lies of Satan and that I needed to kick him out of the sacred moments that God and I shared.

Sitting in worship seeing hundreds of people around me worshiping freely and moving in the Spirit, again a ting of bitterness rose up in me. And that was when I realized that yes not making SOW was a sad moment, it was a sad thing but there was a reason and just because it was sad it didn’t mean that I couldn’t worship and spend that time with God once again. For who is better to make you happy again but God?

Why would I give Satan the satisfaction of making me sad, why would I let him win the battle of my mind and heart?

Sitting still that night of worship I talked to God and it was just like old worship times. I finally realized that I didn’t need loud music and fast beat’s to speak and praise God. I just needed to come to him full heartedly and be with him.

All he wants is my love and attention and nothing else. I can worship him in so many other ways other then music, and that night I realized that.