Safe from the Music

After my mom died, I became even more obsessed with the Internet. My mom had strict rules of when I could be online and for how long. My dad on the other hand, had no rules. Well, the only “considerable” rule was that shouldn’t be looking at anything I wasn’t supposed to be – porn (yes, I typed it; SCANDEL!).

After my mom died, things felt like they were kind of spiraling out of control. I had a lot more responsibilities, my depression and self-harm accelerated; I just wanted an out – a way to escape everything. And I found it; I started chatting a lot on message boards. I could escape into this real imaginary world that I had created for myself.

I’m a big day-dreamer, I constantly have my head in the clouds (shocker, right?). But, this world that I had created online was so much better. There were other people involved, real people that I could actually interact with. People that gave me what I wanted, at least what I thought I wanted.

To make a long story short, I got a lot of emotional and mental scars from those boards. And with me being as obsessed with music as I am, there were a few key CD’s that I listened to while I was online. From time to time I’ll hear one of those songs play and it’s as if my skin is literally crawling. My ears start to ring, I feel a panic attack coming on, my stomach knots and I feel sick. The song itself could be a good song, a happy care free song, but the memories attached to them can send me into a tail spin.

But then God shows up, like He always does. He takes my hand in His and He sits and waits with me until the song finishes and I can finally breathe again. It’s strange isn’t it, how songs can free our souls but they can also keep them in bondage.

The good news is that God can take that song and change its meaning to us. He can transform the sadness into joy and the tears into cheer. God can save us from ourselves; and from the music.

“'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table No one can find the rewind button, girl. So cradle your head in your hands And breathe... just breathe, Oh breathe, just breathe” - ‘Breathe (2 am)’ by Anna Nalick