In His Arms

I'm becoming a night owl again. It feels good to get back to my 'roots.'

In high school I would stay up late listening to music, writing poems and blogs. I'd be lost in my own little world.

But, back then I was terrified of the night. It scared me so much. I was my weakest in the dark. And no matter how hard I fought, it felt like I’d never win.

But now, I love the night. Everything is quiet, still with no disturbances. I can put my headphones on and instead of using them to drown out my mind; I can use them to encourage my soul.

I've always been most creative in the evening. I always have the urge to draw, paint or write during the night. I find myself not wanting to go to sleep because I want to write. I have journal posts running in my mind as I lay my head to rest. And sometimes I can't refuse the urge.

It's so amazing to me how God can turn things around. I use to be so restless in the evening. And now I find peace in it. I use to write things full of anguish and desperation in the dark. And now I write hope and joy. I find myself smiling the most in the evening.

Only God could take my downfall and turn it into enjoyable contentment. 

I'm finally finding peace in Him, and in myself. I don't need to be afraid of the darkness and it’s unknown. It doesn't have to haunt me. Because I know I won't be Forsaken. I won't be lost. I won't be thrown away. I'm strong and fierce.

I'm starting to feel like myself again. The Stella Star who was full of aspirations and drive. The girl who knew that dreams and hope were the most important things in the world.

Stella Star is finally coming home.
Where she belongs.
In His arms.

Sing to My Soul

I’m addicted to music. I think that’s pretty obvious if you spend more than five minutes looking at my blog.

I don’t know what caused me to be overly obsessed with music. My dad is a music fan, I remember driving in the car and listening to the ‘oldies.’ My mom was also a heavy music fan; she was on the worship team at our church.

But I don’t remember ever being heavily influence to enjoy music the way I do. I remember I really started to like music right before we moved out of the Harold First house. I had become obsessed with the Spice Girls. I had almost every piece of merchandise they made.

I didn’t start to really get into music till after we moved from Harold First and into the house we’re in now. My second band obsession, Backstreet Boys. Yes, I was a BSB fan. Oh the memories of the late 90’s pop band-cookie cutter burst.

It wasn’t till I discovered Christian hard-rock that I fell in love with music. Up until ’05, I guess I never really realized that there were different types of music. I mean, yes, I was aware that there were different genres of music, but I wasn’t aware that music could move you – to your core. The music I listened to was mainly pop-feel good-get your feet moving music.

But there I stood in a stadium full of hundreds of young people and I finally got it. Music is a way to get out the things you never knew you could find the words for. I stood in my aisle staring at the stage and I knew in my soul I was finally complete.

Something dramatically changed in me that day.

From that day I started to listen mainly to Christian music. Sure, over the years I’ve crossed the line into mainstream music, but my heart belongs to the alternative-Christian market.

In high-school, I remember my friends and I would talk about our future husbands and what our expectations were.

“I’ve already told God, that He only has two options to give me in life. Either I marry a rock star or I become one."

I remember telling my friends. And to this day I’m still keeping God to that. But, I can’t sing to save my life and me and instruments don’t get along. So, I’m waiting hopelessly for my rock star to come sweep me off my feet with a bass guitar in one hand and take me into their tour bus.

Now, I know this is highly unlikely. But that’s what dreams are, right? They’re supposed to give you hope for better. And that’s what music is. Music gives us hope that one day things will change, that things aren’t what they are, and that all this turmoil isn’t for nothing.

The music that inspired this post:

'Scars' by Colton Dixon

'This is Who I Am' by Colton Dixon

'In Crowd' by Rapture Ruckus

Safe from the Music

After my mom died, I became even more obsessed with the Internet. My mom had strict rules of when I could be online and for how long. My dad on the other hand, had no rules. Well, the only “considerable” rule was that shouldn’t be looking at anything I wasn’t supposed to be – porn (yes, I typed it; SCANDEL!).

After my mom died, things felt like they were kind of spiraling out of control. I had a lot more responsibilities, my depression and self-harm accelerated; I just wanted an out – a way to escape everything. And I found it; I started chatting a lot on message boards. I could escape into this real imaginary world that I had created for myself.

I’m a big day-dreamer, I constantly have my head in the clouds (shocker, right?). But, this world that I had created online was so much better. There were other people involved, real people that I could actually interact with. People that gave me what I wanted, at least what I thought I wanted.

To make a long story short, I got a lot of emotional and mental scars from those boards. And with me being as obsessed with music as I am, there were a few key CD’s that I listened to while I was online. From time to time I’ll hear one of those songs play and it’s as if my skin is literally crawling. My ears start to ring, I feel a panic attack coming on, my stomach knots and I feel sick. The song itself could be a good song, a happy care free song, but the memories attached to them can send me into a tail spin.

But then God shows up, like He always does. He takes my hand in His and He sits and waits with me until the song finishes and I can finally breathe again. It’s strange isn’t it, how songs can free our souls but they can also keep them in bondage.

The good news is that God can take that song and change its meaning to us. He can transform the sadness into joy and the tears into cheer. God can save us from ourselves; and from the music.

“'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table No one can find the rewind button, girl. So cradle your head in your hands And breathe... just breathe, Oh breathe, just breathe” - ‘Breathe (2 am)’ by Anna Nalick