Sometimes It Lasts At Love...

If you’d ever visit our home, you’d instantly think we’re either lovers’ or hoarders’ of cars. We have four “classic” cars that line the side of our house. Three out of the four cars, anyone can see and admire their beauty. They’re not restored, but they’re gorgeous in their old age.

However, the fourth is not a rare model, it’s not made by a special company and it doesn’t have a fancy body. It’s small, blocky, has no leg room and it’s not that old (for a car). It’s just a car from the 80’s that’s covered in dirt and has degraded flat tires.

The other day we took the ’53 Chevy pickup truck for a drive (the ‘Twilight’ truck). Grumpy is slowly restoring this truck and we take it out from time to time to keep it in working order.

After our drive, I hopped out of the passenger seat and ran to the drivers’ side to place the cinder block behind the back wheel – just to make sure it’s secure. And that’s when I saw a little yellow card stuck between the Renaults’ driver’s door and window.

“WE BUY JUNK CARS”

The card was a business card from a local company promoting their removal services for old vehicles and machinery.

“Marty is NOT JUNK!” I shouted loudly as I showed the card to Grumpy. He looked at the card, chuckled and shook his head. Who knows how long that card had been there; and that I would find it a week from my mom’s birthday. But seeing that card on her old car – upset me.

Marty was my mom’s first ‘real’ purchase, at least that’s how she always told me the story. After her first marriage ended horribly, my mom was on her own and Marty was the first thing she bought by herself. She was always so proud of him.

My mom drove that car everyday till the day she died, for over 20 years. My dream is to one day restore Marty, better than he was, and drive him for another 20.

The next day Grumpy and I were driving home from a day of fun, when the song “Someone Like You” by Adele came across the speakers. Since the release of this song, my dad has always associated it with my mom.

“Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don't forget me, I beg
I'll remember you said,
‘Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead’”

There we were in front of the house, sitting in my car, listening to the song, singing along and staring at Marty.

“They thought Marty was junk.” Grumpy chuckled – and I laughed.

No. No, Marty isn’t junk.

Twihards

A couple of years ago, when I lived in Colorado, my roommate and I were house-sitting for friends. My roommate came up with this awesome idea that we should play a prank on them.

We knew that they both "LOVED" Twilight (sarcasm implied), so we decided we would give their home a makeover. We made props, bought posters, printed out pictures, made them a fan-fiction, and changed their FB status', profile pictures and liked EVERY Twilight fan page we could find.

One of the last things we did, we went to the Goodwill found the Twilight and New Moon books and highlighted the cheesiest parts of the books we could find. I Google-ed it – there’s a LOT. We then ripped out the pages and placed them ALL over the house. We put some in plain sight and we hid others (okay, we hid a lot). We hid the pages in books, movies, games, behind pictures, in cups, shoes, drawers; anywhere we could hide them – we did.

Since the prank, the friend has been finding the pages randomly. A few nights ago, she found another page. It's been 2+ years and she's moved a few times, and yet the prank is still going strong.

This makes me smile and giggle like a crushing tween girl. Hehehe. 

 "It's like my home decor has herpes. 

You think you find it all, but it just keeps coming... 
And never goes away!" -friend

ICE-CREAM??!!

Mr. Grumpy asked me to take Sr. Grumpy to get his hair cut today. After the haircut I decided I'd go to Burger King to get us lunch. I asked Sr. Grumpy twice if he wanted ice-cream and he said no. However, as soon as the ice-cream passed through the drive-thru window and into the car guess who reached out for it?

It’s okay, I didn't really want it any way... ha ha. He ate the whole thing happily, and that's all that really matters.

My grandpa (Sr. Grumpy) has lived with us since I was about 6 years old. He has dementia, which has turned into Alzheimer as he’s gotten older. My father (Mr. Grumpy) is his primary care-giver and I’ve helped take care of him most of my life.

I don’t have any ‘normal’ memories of Sr. Grumpy. By normal, I mean I don’t have memories of him buying me presents, spoiling me with treats, taking me in car rides or teaching me life lessons. Like most people have of their grandparents. I’ve always taken care of him, instead of him taking care of me.

I have learned a lot from Sr. Grumpy. And even though I don’t have ‘normal’ memories with him, I do have unique ones. Like him stealing my ice-cream or us eating Christmas breakfast together this pass Christmas. How he use to curse my best friend out. How we say hello to each other the ‘Mexican way' for minutes at a time. And when he gets feisty he pretends to box with me.

I love Sr. Grumpy. He might be a handful, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Reasons

I’ve been going to this recovery group every week for a few weeks now. I really enjoy it. There’s one person in particular that I’m starting to form a friendship with.

We talk weekly and try to encourage each other the best we can. You know when you just click with someone and you know there’s a reason why your paths have crossed? That’s how I feel. There’s a reason why God wants us to be friends.

Tonight, I just did not want to go to group. I’ve been having a huge lazy streak lately. I had worked on my Smash journal all day and I just didn’t want to have to get ready and head out into the world. But at the last moment, I got up and got ready.

Last week I wanted to take my new friend a mixed CD of my favorite songs, but it just didn’t work. So today I made extra effort to make the CD and have it ready for when I went to group.

I get to group and guess who brought me a gift? Ha ha, so I open my present, a devotional book and gave them the CD. It was too funny how that worked out.

As the lesson progresses, I share how I didn’t want to come and my friend shares how they were having issues controlling their anger. They had a rough day and apparently my book getting lost caused some of that.

Someone else then pointed out that if I hadn’t had come that my friend would be feeling even worse than how they were feeling because all of the stress and anger would have been for nothing.

It’s amazing how God works, isn’t it? He plans everything out perfectly.

There’s a reason why we’re friends, and I can’t wait to see what that reason is.

In His Arms

I'm becoming a night owl again. It feels good to get back to my 'roots.'

In high school I would stay up late listening to music, writing poems and blogs. I'd be lost in my own little world.

But, back then I was terrified of the night. It scared me so much. I was my weakest in the dark. And no matter how hard I fought, it felt like I’d never win.

But now, I love the night. Everything is quiet, still with no disturbances. I can put my headphones on and instead of using them to drown out my mind; I can use them to encourage my soul.

I've always been most creative in the evening. I always have the urge to draw, paint or write during the night. I find myself not wanting to go to sleep because I want to write. I have journal posts running in my mind as I lay my head to rest. And sometimes I can't refuse the urge.

It's so amazing to me how God can turn things around. I use to be so restless in the evening. And now I find peace in it. I use to write things full of anguish and desperation in the dark. And now I write hope and joy. I find myself smiling the most in the evening.

Only God could take my downfall and turn it into enjoyable contentment. 

I'm finally finding peace in Him, and in myself. I don't need to be afraid of the darkness and it’s unknown. It doesn't have to haunt me. Because I know I won't be Forsaken. I won't be lost. I won't be thrown away. I'm strong and fierce.

I'm starting to feel like myself again. The Stella Star who was full of aspirations and drive. The girl who knew that dreams and hope were the most important things in the world.

Stella Star is finally coming home.
Where she belongs.
In His arms.

Top 25 on iTunes

Since I'm always obsessing over music in my posts, I thought it would be fun to share what's the most listened to songs on my iTunes.

I was SUPER surprised with what songs were on this list. Some of these songs I don't even like that much, ha ha. I really thought there would be a ton of different songs on this list than what's here.

However, I can look at the songs on this list and I know exactly what I was thinking and feeling that made these songs my top 25 most listened to songs. And some of these songs I haven't listened to in forever, so it was nice to listen to them a few more times.

I think it's rather pathetic that my favorite song of ALL time is at #9 and it's so far behind #1. And, to be honest, I'm rather ashamed of what #1 is, ha ha.

But, I am happy to see that there are more happy, feel good, silly and party songs then there are sad songs.

Puppy Love

I love my dogs they bring me so much joy and entertainment. I have two Chihuahua’s, Mona and Parker. I got Parker when he was a puppy, I named him after a character in a book that I read and fell in love with. He and I are inseparable. We adopted Mona into the family from a family member because they weren’t taking good care of her. Mona is Parker’s mom.

The other day I went into the back yard to feed the dogs left overs. I called Mona over, gave her a bone and she ran off to a part of the yard to eat it. I then called Parker, feed him some scraps, gave him a bone and he ran off to a part of the yard to eat it. I then called Mona back, feed her scraps, gave her another bone and she ran back to her spot. I called Parker back one more time to feed him the rest of the scraps, gave him one last bone and then he ran off – to another spot, leaving his first bone. Mona looks up, notices the deserted bone, runs, picks it up and takes it back to her pile. Mona is then left with three bones and Parker one. Mona, she’s one smart and sneaky dog.

Today I was standing in my dad’s room speaking with his girlfriend when I noticed through the window that Parker is sitting in the doorway of his dog house. I look at him and he starts to bark at me. “Really? You’re going to bark at me?” He walks out of the dog house to get closer to the window and starts to bark continually. “Stop barking at me!” He barks again. “Don’t make me go out there.” I glare at him. He glares back at me and barks - once more. I immediately turn, walk down the hall and out the back door into the yard. Parker runs towards the door, I bark at him and pretend to attack him and he runs back into the dog house barking all the way. Parker, he’s all bark and no bite.

My dogs make me laugh, very much. The things they do are just so silly.

Book Worm

One of my favorite authors is Lurlene McDaniel, I discovered her around my sophomore year in high school. In high school, I was part of that cool group of kids who hung out in the library. Yea, ya’ know, that awesome group of people who spent almost all their extra time reading and hanging out with the phenomenal librarian.

Wait -- what? You didn’t have that group of kids at your school? Not ‘cool’? Please! That was the happening place.

Ha ha, okay, so my group might not have been the ‘coolest,’ ‘most popular,’ or ‘trend-setters.’ But we did have TONS of fun hanging out in the library. We were known as the ‘lunch bunch,’ and if you asked anyone in our class if they knew where we were their answer most likely would have been: “Have you checked the library?”

Now, in my group almost everyone read about 2-4 books a week. No lie. I wasn’t that heavy of a reader, I was known as ‘the writer,’ so when I started to feel left out of the book conversations I asked the librarian for a recommendation and she handed me a book by McDaniel. I don’t remember which book she handed me, but what I do remember, for the first time I found a book from a Christian perspective that I could relate to.

Most of McDaniel’s books relate to teens and young adults facing life-altering situations and how they overcome/work through their situations by either finding God or holding onto God/hope. For someone who felt trapped and drowning in depression, seeing the silver lining so obviously or quickly gave me hope.

I’m no longer in that dark place where I was when I first started reading her books, they’re no longer part of my life-line. But now years later, I still find hope and inspiration in McDaniel’s books. I love the way McDaniel can take different circumstances and turn them into a beautiful and inspiring story.

So, whenever I go to the book store and I’m looking for a good read I always head to the young adult section and look in the M’s. This last time I found ‘Heart to Heart,’ one of McDaniel’s newer books.

I have kind of been on a book spree lately. That happens time to time, where all of my free time goes to reading and nothing else. I have been neglecting my New Year’s Resolution of reading eight (8) books. I know that’s not a whole lot of books and that I still have a lot of time. But I feel like I’m really falling behind on the resolutions that I wanted to do this year, I can’t keep getting distracted and sidetracked by my goals. I need become more focused!

Birthday Celebration!

Happy Birthday aunt Stella!
Today is my mom and aunt’s birthday. Usually on this day, for the past three (3) years, I celebrate alone. Last year I bought a mini cake, the year before that I went to dinner with a friend and the year before that I bought flowers. I have chosen that I will celebrate my mom on this day. I will rejoice for the life that she lived, I will celebrate the impact that she made on this world and I will remember the happy moments that we shared. I refuse to allow the enemy to make this day sad for me. My mother may be in heaven, but I can still celebrate her existence.

This year I was able to celebrate with my aunt. This brought me so much joy. I was so happy and excited that I was able to celebrate the day of my aunt’s birth with her.

We started the day early and headed to Ontario, CA. I had an interview and then we spent the rest of the day running around the city. We went to stores, out to lunch and then we bought cupcakes. Overall, it was an amazing day!

Birthdays mean so much to me. I thank God so much that I was able to celebrate another year of life with my aunt.

Oklahoma

For the last week I’ve been hanging out in Oklahoma spending time with my family. I’ve been having a great time seeing my brother, sister in law, niece and nephew. It’s so amazing to see how much the kids have grown and matured into who they are.

I’ve been having a blast hanging out with my niece, playing board games, computer/iPhone games, reading, drawing and playing make believe. And sitting with my little nephew, watching his favorite shows and watching him play with his race cars.

It saddens me to know that I’ve hardly been in their lives, but I’m glad to be a part of it when I can. I will never forget how excited and joyous my niece was when I pulled up the driveway. Or how animated my nephew was when he first introduced me to the house and all his toys.

I’ve made a personal connection with them that can never be taken away from me. And if I get just that out of my random road trip back to Cali, it will be well worth it.

Baked with Love

When I was little, I remember sitting at the kitchen table and watching my mother bake cakes. She never baked professionally, but she was amazing at what she did. She made cakes for friends and family. Everyone always raved over her cakes.

I also remember sitting on a stool in the corner of my Aunt Stella’s kitchen watching as she made frosting from scratch and baked elaborate cakes. I remember her having an extra freezer in her kitchen and how I always loved to go and open it to see what she was working on.

Growing up, baking and cake decorating was inevitably a big part of my life. Every cake I had for my birthday, when I was little, was either made by my mother or by my Aunt Stella. Even now, my aunt still makes me a cake for my birthday.

My mother taught my aunt how to bake, and by me watching the both of them – they both taught me. This past year I re-found my passion for baking and cake decorating. I bought a beginner kit from Wilton and slowly started to re-teach myself the craft. As the year progressed, I slowly started to gather a good amount of baking supplies and tools. Wilton also sells a tool caddy where you can store all of your supplies. It has a nifty built in tip holder, a huge drawer to store supplies of any shape and size, and mini drawers/boxes. Wilton sells two kinds: 1) the caddy alone and 2) the caddy full of supplies.

I’ve wanted the caddy for a while. At first I wanted the caddy with all the supplies, but the price discouraged me, that’s when I decided I wanted to slowly grow my collection. But now, I’m at the point where I have too many supplies and not enough storage.

Today I went to the store to check the price on the caddy. I had a coupon and I was hoping with the coupon it would be affordable for me to buy. I found the cake aisle and the caddy – once I laid my eyes on it, I knew I would take it home today. I walked over to the caddy lifted it up and saw the price: $199.99. I stared at the caddy, in disbelief, and then I looked at the price of the fully supplied caddy - $199.99.

I tucked the empty caddy under my arm and walked to the front. I asked the lady at the register if I could get a price check, I didn’t think the price on the caddy was correct. She looked at the price, gasped and agreed. She spoke to her manager and the manager went to the back to get the book to check the price.

Leaving the caddy on the counter, I stepped back to allow other customers to be helped. After two other customers checked out, a little old lady stepped up to the register checked out and then spotted my caddy. “What is that?!” She said with delight. I explained to her what it was and what you could use it for. Before I knew it we both were extremely excited over the caddy and I had shared with her that I was learning to decorate.

The manager came back to the front with the book and then corrected the price: $65.99. I asked how much it would be with the coupon: $40.00. I looked at the caddy, thought for a minute, and then the wanting of owning the caddy won.

I took the caddy to the register, the little old lady following close behind. “Wait! Wait! Wait one second.” The next thing I knew, she placed a 20 dollar bill in my hand and smiled. “I want to go half on it with you.” She grasped my hand, gave me a hug and then walked out of the store.

So, there I stood, caddy in one hand and $20 in the other. I watched as the lady left, and I knew, I was blessed. I paid the remaining $20 and took my caddy to the car. Sitting in the car I stared at my caddy, something I have wanted for so long. Something, normally I wouldn’t be able to afford. And I knew, at that moment, that God loved me enough to bless me with something that would bring me joy.

'After all the tears, I was supposed to be here.'

The last couple of days I’ve become obsessed with listening to the band Superchick. Listening to songs that are so familiar to me, bring back many emotional memories. Memories, at the time, were very hard to go through but now bring joy, encouragement and a smile to my face.

There were a handful of artists that I listened to on a daily basis when I was a teenager. My depression constantly changed my mood and how I felt about my life and myself on a daily basis. There were only three things that kept me semi-sane: my mentor at the time, my writing and my music.

I remember one day leaving summer school, it was a little over a year after my mom had died. I had had a rough day. I was so upset and emotionally distraught. I hopped into my car, blasted Air 1 and sped down the road towards home. The events of the day replayed over and over in my head. I was so angry at myself, at the people involved in the events of the day, and at God. I just started to scream. I screamed at the top of my lungs as tears ran down my face. I was so frustrated. And then, ’Stand in the Rain’ came across my stereo.


The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear,
the tears will not stop raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain
It was as if God was speaking to me at that exact moment telling me that everything would be okay. And that the storm, the rain would one day past and I couldn’t allow the lightning and thunder to keep me down.


No one talks to her, she feels so alone
She's in too much pain to survive on her own
The hurt she can't handle overflows to a knife
She writes on her arm and wants to give up her life
Each day she goes on is a day that she's brave
Fighting the lie that giving up is the way
Each moment of courage her own life she saves
When she throws the pills out a hero is made
Heroes are made when you make a choice
'Hero’; I was sitting in my bathroom, crying quietly trying not to wake anyone up. I had my headphones on listening to this song, my razor in one hand and a shot of Vodka in the other. I stared at my leg and the fresh cuts I had just made. I didn’t know how I would ever get out from the cloud of darkness around me, but I knew I had to. I knew this wasn’t what I wanted. I didn’t want this life. And even though I didn’t know how I would get out of it, I knew that I would. One way or another I was going to get out of that cloud - standing.


Heroes are made when you make a choice
To some, these might be sad memories. But to me – it means I survived. I can look back at these moments in my life where I felt so alone, so depressed, so lost and KNOW – I’m not alone, I’m no longer depressed, and I’m not lost.

I made it through one storm in my life. And I know I can make it through the ones to come.

The 24th Year

I’m 24 years old, today.

Twenty-Four Years Old.
The week leading to this day, was filled with lots of different emotions. I’m so grateful to be alive. I’m so happy that I can celebrate my birth. I’m still in awe that the Lord saw fit to save me from myself. But with all the joy and happiness that came with this day, fear also came with it.

Am I wasting my life?
What do I have to show for 24 years?
What am I doing with this gift that the Lord gave me?

This past year of life, I did a lot struggling. Struggling with myself. Struggling with God. This year has been hard, tough, lonely, and difficult. But I’ve learned a lot about myself. And about God.

I realize this was the perfect time for God to show me He had my back. For the first time in years, my life is stable. So with nothing to worry about (ie: job, home, vehicle, etc.) the Lord was able to work with me on an issue that was very close to my heart.

Even though, I don't feel like I've had a whole lot of growth this year. I know I've learned that I can take care of myself (with the Lord's watchful eye) and that I don't need others to watch over me. I've also learned that I can provide for myself, I don't need people to give me money, food, or a roof over my head. I am able and strong enough to do it myself.

I learned that I can provide myself a living. Something I never thought I could do. I guess deep down, I never believed I would be able to provide for myself.

I also learned that I don't need to be in the middle of a 'spiritual' place to feel the Lord or to have the Lord see me. I learned that anywhere I went the Lord would also be there. He's never going to be far away.

I learned that this is what my 23rd year was for. For me to learn my dependence on the Lord and for the Lord to show me that I'm strong and that He'll never leave.

I can’t believe I’ve made it to see the day of my 24th birthday. The Lord has been with me up to this day, up to this year. And He will be with me for my many years to come.

I’m alive for a reason; I just need to use the years to come to figure out that reason. And if I’m doing that, than I’m not wasting my gift. Because at least I’m trying to do something with it than purposely wasting it like I was.

I’m 24 years old today. Thank you God.

~~~

To read my other birthday blogs, go here.

After Care

After my first hospitalization I was sent to an outpatient group. One of the projects that you were required to do was to make a bored explaining who you were.

Some of the points you had to hit on were:
~friends
~family
~how you saw yourself
~how you wanted to improve
~and how you saw a “high power”


I broke my board into three pieces: Stella (bottom right), Star (upper left) and Stella Star (center). At this point in my life, I saw myself as three separate people. Stella was the person that I thought everyone wanted me to be. Star was the inner crazy-psychotic girl hiding in the closet. And Stella Star was who I wanted to be, a mixture and combination of the two.

Being true to myself, the board is full of mixed media (ribbon, pictures, clippings, songs, poems, etc). Clippings from Ignite Your Faith Magazine (no-longer published) is used greatly; this magazine meant a lot to me – so it was important that it made the board. Another important item that made the board was my mother’s memory flier handed out at her funeral (in the Stella section).

Looking at the board now I realize that in some aspects I’m still the same, but I have changed greatly. It’s amazing to see how much I’ve changed in four years. This board still means a lot to me, it was who I was and how I felt at that time. It’s a part of my history and I hope to never forget it.


Focusing on the "Star" section.

This section of the board was made black, to represent how I felt – lost, alone and in the dark. This section also has my “glass.” It’s the analogy of the glass half empty or full. I had the glass half full and then wrote words around it of what I wanted to fill it with. Things I wanted to do with my life to make it more full and joyful.


Focusing on the “Stella” section.

This section of the board was made pink, to represent joy and happiness – something I wasn’t feeling. By the way, I hate pink. This section of the board represented what I thought everyone wanted me to be. What I thought was expected of me. What I thought I had to be. But because I couldn’t be it, I pretended a lot. I tried my hardest to place this façade up of what “Stella” should be.


Focusing on the “Stella Star” section.

This section of the board was made purple, to represent my favorite color – to represent the real me. This section of the board holds a lot of my core being: music, art, writing, God and friends/family. This board also holds my “Todd corner.” Todd Hertz was a very influential tool in my life that the Lord used. Todd was the first person I opened up to and was my main mentor in my life for many years. In the middle of this section, is a printed out copy of the lyrics to “Wishes and Dreams” by Stellar Kart. A song that I still aspire to have a romance of.


To view more pictures of my After Care board you can go here.

Forsaken Fighter

During my undergrad year at Teen Mania, I found myself sitting in a field of grass, lying on a blanket, reading my Bible, praying and journaling. There I was, in the middle of God's creation and I doubted myself.

I doubted my life, my decisions. I was feeling remorse, shame and guilt. I was at a very low point. And then, God spoke to my heart. And He said, "Don't worry Fighter. Everything will be okay." And at that point, the Lord began to speak to me about how He created me to fight. My spirit is strong and fierce, I was created to fight, to war, and to win. It’s who I am.

At that point I began to write the word "Fighter" on my wrist. It was a daily reminder that that was who I was. That was what I was created to be and to do.

Fight.

Later in the year, I found myself struggling again. This time I felt as if the Lord had left me. That He just went away and I couldn't find Him. I felt lost, abandon and forsaken. After a long season of continual turmoil the Lord revealed to me, that I had turned away from Him. I had abandoned Him. I had Forsaken Him.

After this realization I learned as much as I could about abandonment and being Forsaken. I then began to write the word "Forsaken" on my wrist. To remind myself that I never want to forsake the Lord again and to pray for those you feel forsaken or have been.

Near the end of my time at Teen Mania, I was having a quiet time where I was journaling asking the Lord what I should do. I looked at my wrist and saw Forsaken. My heart ached. My heart was yearning to help those who were hurting and lost.

Then the Lord said "Fighter." I was confused at first and the Lord said it again, "Fighter, put it together." So, I pulled out my Sharpie, extended the 'F' and wrote 'ighter.'

Forsaken Fighter. It was as if God and I said it at the same time. I stared at my wrist and what I had just written. I was in shock. I sat in my chair stunned.

Then the Lord very slowly started to reveal to me that He was calling me to Fight for the Forsaken. I am called to stand up for those who have been 'demeaned' useless, worthless, and unimportant. I am to help in fighting for those that the world has forsaken. I was created to fight for these people who have been hurt, wounded and forsaken by the world. I will love these people. I will comfort them. And I will help them.

But, I'm not only a fighter for the forsaken; I was also a fighter who was forsaken. I was demeaned a lost cause. I was told that I was un-helpable. I was beaten, abused, and almost destroyed. But because of the Fighter spirit in me - I lived.

Once I absorbed as much of this as I could, in one sitting, I stared at my wrist. Could I really do and be what God just revealed to me? Could I really fight and help those that have been thrown away and hurt? Could I, actually be - a Forsaken Fighter?

After this little quiet time, I began to write Forsaken Fighter on my wrist. To remind myself of whom I am. And what I hope to become.

Isaiah 42:16
I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.

For my 23rd birthday, I tattooed Forsaken Fighter onto my wrist. It's a permanent reminder of who I am and what I want to become.

It's also a proclamation to God and against the enemy.

The 23rd Year

Here we are again. Another year has passed, and I’m still in awe of how great, mighty and merciful our God is.

I am 23 years old. I have lived on this earth for 23 years.

That thought - just blows my mind. It’s still hard for me to grasp the concept that I am “alive.” I am alive, breathing, walking, talking, and thinking. I am living!

I’m not dead. I’m not buried under the ground. I’m not another statistic. But I am living and growing and moving forward. I am ALIVE.

Every time the eighth of December passes on the calendar, I am brought to a standstill. Life moves so quickly sometimes. Life just races on by and sometimes we forget to stop and thank God. But every time December eighth comes around I fall to my knees in praise to the Lord.

I can’t explain how much my birthday means to me. I can’t form words of how thankful I am that I was born and that I’m still living. In my life, I’ve come to realize that life is a vapor. You can blink and it’s gone. Life is so precious. And at one point, it was so worthless to me. I would have and I almost did give everything to end it all. I almost passed up my life, my future and my destiny.

I never understood why I didn’t die, why all my attempts failed. And even now, I don’t know how I survived. But now, I am thankful that I did. God saved me, and even though I still don’t know why, at least now I’m moving in His plan instead of against it.

I am 23 years old.
I AM 23 YEARS OLD!

Thank you God.


Thank you.


~~~

To read my other birthday blogs, go here.

CAH-CHING!

Conversations with my dad aren’t always enjoyable. I have a lot of bills that my dad is helping in paying for me. And at moments my dad likes to “remind” me of how much he cares for me by helping me out.

So when my dad mentioned to me that he could get me health insurance with his work I told him no ‘thank you’ cause I couldn’t afford it. My dad immediately goes into his rehearsed speech and run down of my debit he’s paying. I tell him thank you and how much it means to me.

I also mentioned to him that I am trying my hardest to help out, he pauses and asks how. I tell him that I’ve been paying a credit card bill.

There’s dead silence over the phone for a good 10 seconds before he responds: “So that’s where the money is coming from!” He laughs loudly as he gets excited. “You’re the one that’s been putting money into that account? Really?!”

Apparently he’d noticed payments had been made, but didn’t know where they were coming from. I can hear the excitement, joy and pride in his voice. He was over whelmed and moved that I was helping.

He’s in complete shock for the rest of the conversation and continues to ask me if what I told him was the truth. I smile and giggle as I tell him ‘yes.’

My dad can’t always see the progress I’m making on my own, thousands of miles away. But he can track my paper trail. And when there’s less and less showing up, I know he’s impressed.

My dad won’t always say it, but I know he’s proud of me. The proof is in his voice.

Back Down. Don't You Back Down Baby Tonight!

One of my favorite bands at the moment is Philmont. I really love their music and their style. Their music brings me joy and encourages me a lot.

I’d been trying to get to one of their concerts since the beginning of the year, but one way or another, it just never worked out. I started working on a drawing of them. I wanted to give it to them if I ever did get to see them perform. After seven long months (and long breaks) I finally finished the drawing and finally found my way to one of their shows.

I’ll admit, I was obsessing over this drawing. I wanted to make sure I was drawing it to the best of my ability and that it looked just right before I gave it to them. I was so proud of the end product. But when it finally became the time to give it to them - I was nervous. What if they didn’t like it? What if they played it off as “sunshine and rainbows” but secretly cared less.

So here I find myself, in Bedford, TX in a church sanctuary a few feet away from their table and I can’t bring myself to go to them. I take a deep breath, close my eyes and move quickly. They’re all sitting in a corner, in a semi-circle, so I jump in the middle of the circle, hold my gift out and shout: “I have a present!” Ha ha, I have no idea what caused me to do this, but I did.

They all look at me, smile and jump to their feet. They grab the present and stare at it. The wrapping distracts them; they were impressed with my warping skills. After asking questions on what the envelope was covered in, they open it and pull off all the protective layers of foam and card board.

When the drawing is fully exposed in the open, there’s a pause for two seconds and then: “Hey! That’s the drawing from Facebook! You drew that?!” I was shocked, surprised and impressed that they had seen the picture I had posted. I was taken aback when they each started to state back details I had written on Facebook about the process of the drawing.

Britt, a girlfriend of one of the band members', said she saw the picture on my profile and looks at my art; she really likes my style. The band members also mentioned that they looked at my ‘step by step’ pictures of the drawing. I was touched. And I was honored when they placed the drawing on their merch table for everyone to see.

Over all, I was extremely blessed by their comments and their actions. I was extremely moved that they had taken the time to look at my art. They cared enough to look and read the random spurts of a spazzy young girl.

Thanks Philmont.

Satan – The Tempter

I've been reading out of the book of Mathew lately. A chapter that caught my eye and tugged at my spirit was chapter 4, when Satan tempts Jesus.

The enemy comes to Jesus three times and finally flees after Jesus rebukes him. Then angels come to minister to Jesus; after this is when Jesus starts his ministry (verses 1-11).

The chapter begins with: "Then Jesus was led by the Spirit (ESV verse 1)." From my understanding, when Jesus came to earth he was still one with the Trinity, he was still God. But because he was human, he had flesh thus being tempted by sin; he had to listen to the Spirit to lead him. He had to use the discernment of the Spirit to know where to go.

Even Jesus, the Son of God, had to listen to the Spirit to know his father’s will. If Jesus had to listen carefully and follow; what makes us think that we don’t have to?

In verse 3, when Satan first comes to tempt Jesus, the verse calls Satan "the tempter." The verse reads that Satan, the tempter, came to Jesus and spoke to him.

In verse 5, it reads "the devil took him (Jesus)." The context of the verse is that Satan took/lead Jesus to the holy city.

In verse 8, the last time we hear of Satan tempting Jesus; again the verse calls Satan the devil and says that he took/lead Jesus.

Then in verse 10 it reads that Jesus rebuked the devil by saying: "Be gone Satan!"

In verse 3 you notice that the author addresses Satan as "the tempter." How true is that? When the enemy is first starting to get us to stumble, to sin, he comes to us and tempts us. He whispers to our heart that we desire, want or deserve something. He comes to us; he walks right up and speaks to us.

In verses 5 and 8 you notice that the author calls Satan the devil and writes that he lead Jesus to locations. Again, how true is that? I know with me, after I'm tempted to sin I am then somehow magically in a place where I'm face to face with that sin. Sometimes we allow ourselves to be lead. We give Satan the foot hold to direct our path.

In verse 10 you notice that this is the first time the author addresses Satan as Satan. First Satan was the tempter, then the devil and then he is called out by name - to show who he is. I find this very significant.

It's almost as if the author is slowly identifying the enemy. Giving substance to the name. Satan is not just an evil spirit, a demon or a follower; he is the one in charge of the darkness. But, you also see with just three simple words from Jesus Satan had to flee, he had to leave. Even with all of Satan's authority he had no rule over Jesus - the King of Kings.

Now, look at how Satan was tempting Jesus.
1) Satan wanted Jesus to show that he was hungry (unhappy) and to provide for himself.
2) Satan wanted Jesus to prove himself. To show who Jesus was. To show his authority. To test his power. I find it ironic that Satan told Jesus to jump from the temple. The enemy tried to get Jesus to jeopardize his life. Satan reminded Jesus that the angels wouldn't allow him to strike his foot. And Jesus responded with: "You shall not put the Lord your God to the test." (verse 7)
3) Satan wanted Jesus to make Satan his god. Satan used lies and false fantasies to tempt Jesus. However, Jesus knew the truth and didn’t fall into the trap of Satan’s lies.

And then, all it took was three little words for Satan to flee Jesus: "Be gone Satan!" Nothing less and nothing more. No pleading. No compromise. No tricks. No trades. Just strong faith in knowing that Satan was powerless against Jesus.

In ending this story, verse 11 reads: "Then the devil left him, and behold, angles came and were ministering to him."

After the battle is over, and the enemy gone, angels came to Jesus to minister to him. This got me thinking, if we as believers have the same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead and the same Spirit that lead Jesus through this trial and stayed with him through the attacks of Satan. And if we have the same authority to rebuke Satan and command him to back off, then why wouldn't angels also come to minister to us after a battle?

Have you ever noticed when you win over a battle, even after a mini battle, with the enemy you have a spiritual high; sometimes an emotional high. You feel stronger, bolder, and more confident in your faith. Because you know that you, with the Spirits help, overcame temptation from the tempter, the devil, from Satan. I don't know what you call that, but I call that being ministered to.

I’ve read this story many times. I’ve heard this story preached many times. And I’ve heard the familiar saying: “Jesus was tempted just like you.” But I never understood it. I could never get past the point of: “Jesus wasn’t tempted the same way I am.”

But looking at this again; I realize that sin, temptation or situations don’t matter. It doesn’t matter if we’re not tempted to turn stones into food or to command angels to come to our rescue. And it doesn’t matter that Jesus wasn’t, stated in the Bible, tempted by: drugs, alcohol, sex, stealing, cursing, etc.

What ‘matters’ and what’s the ‘point,’ is that Satan has a way of tempting and causing one to stumble. He wants you to A) think you can do it by yourself, B) place your life on the line and C) make him your god. He puts all of us to these tests, even Jesus. But Jesus was able to resists the temptations and jump the hurdles. I might not be able to do it. But knowing that Jesus was placed to the same tests as I am makes Jesus more personable and makes Jesus more real to me.

Knowledge

"I don't know what the Lord is doing in your life. But let him do it."

A lady from the DFW New Beginnings church spoke this to me while I was visiting the church with Linzie.

It was sweet to see that someone outside my “inner-circle” or close “realm” of friends/mentors could see the change(s) that the Lord is making in my life.

When you hear things from the same people on a daily basis it loses its power and awe, but when someone new says the same things – it gives it new life, new meaning.