Unknown Stars

ESOAL starts tonight, after Wednesday Night Service. I stayed outside last night until about midnight; sitting in the cold wet grass staring at the stars. I don’t know what I’m going to do about my step-mom’s situation. Do I want to go home? Do I want to stay? My emotions are running high; I’m scared to think of the unknown future.

I went to work early today, to speak with my manager and project manager about leaving early last night. They completely understood and already knew, my coworker and roommate had emailed them. I also wanted to distract myself, I don’t want to think of the “what if” any more. I need to think of something else.

I don’t know if I want to do ESOAL; I’ve been training so hard to do it, but I don’t know if I can focus on it. Can I give my all and be committed when I know that my step-mom is on her death bed. She made it through the night, but the doctors give her no chance of making it through the day. Her body is slowly shutting down. My dad and step-brothers have been at the hospital all night, I feel so horrible for not being there with them. I want to go home to support them and to see my step-mom once more, but I can’t miss work and school.

I’m torn on what to do. Do I go home and miss ESOAL or do I stay and do ESOAL and feel awful.