'After all the tears, I was supposed to be here.'

The last couple of days I’ve become obsessed with listening to the band Superchick. Listening to songs that are so familiar to me, bring back many emotional memories. Memories, at the time, were very hard to go through but now bring joy, encouragement and a smile to my face.

There were a handful of artists that I listened to on a daily basis when I was a teenager. My depression constantly changed my mood and how I felt about my life and myself on a daily basis. There were only three things that kept me semi-sane: my mentor at the time, my writing and my music.

I remember one day leaving summer school, it was a little over a year after my mom had died. I had had a rough day. I was so upset and emotionally distraught. I hopped into my car, blasted Air 1 and sped down the road towards home. The events of the day replayed over and over in my head. I was so angry at myself, at the people involved in the events of the day, and at God. I just started to scream. I screamed at the top of my lungs as tears ran down my face. I was so frustrated. And then, ’Stand in the Rain’ came across my stereo.


The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear,
the tears will not stop raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain
It was as if God was speaking to me at that exact moment telling me that everything would be okay. And that the storm, the rain would one day past and I couldn’t allow the lightning and thunder to keep me down.


No one talks to her, she feels so alone
She's in too much pain to survive on her own
The hurt she can't handle overflows to a knife
She writes on her arm and wants to give up her life
Each day she goes on is a day that she's brave
Fighting the lie that giving up is the way
Each moment of courage her own life she saves
When she throws the pills out a hero is made
Heroes are made when you make a choice
'Hero’; I was sitting in my bathroom, crying quietly trying not to wake anyone up. I had my headphones on listening to this song, my razor in one hand and a shot of Vodka in the other. I stared at my leg and the fresh cuts I had just made. I didn’t know how I would ever get out from the cloud of darkness around me, but I knew I had to. I knew this wasn’t what I wanted. I didn’t want this life. And even though I didn’t know how I would get out of it, I knew that I would. One way or another I was going to get out of that cloud - standing.


Heroes are made when you make a choice
To some, these might be sad memories. But to me – it means I survived. I can look back at these moments in my life where I felt so alone, so depressed, so lost and KNOW – I’m not alone, I’m no longer depressed, and I’m not lost.

I made it through one storm in my life. And I know I can make it through the ones to come.