Waiting.

You know those romantic comedies that usually have a main female character in her late 20’s/early 30’s and all she sees are couples, people getting married and babies. And throughout the whole movie she’s trying to find the ‘one’ so she can start ‘living her life’ and live ‘happily ever-after’ with two children running around in a backyard enclosed by a white picket-fence. Along the way funny/awkward moments happen and she usually grows as a person or learns something about herself. Then at the end she finds the ONE and either marries him or gets engaged, then the movie ends and you’re left to think: What happens next?

I’ve been feeling like that ’girl’ lately. Not that I’m heavily searching for the one, but everywhere I look I see people paired off, a lot of my friends/acquaintances are either getting engaged or married, and babies are popping out all around me. And all I can think of: Where are their lives going to go from here?

Right after I graduated from The Honor Academy, it seemed like everyone in my class quickly started to court, got engaged or got married. Now, of course it wasn’t everyone but it felt that way. Engagement pictures and wedding pictures popped up all over my Facebook feed. This happened for a couple of years. It died for a few months and then the ‘baby coming’ pictures started to show up on my feed. Again the announcements died, and then, here they come again! Wedding invitations and baby showers, it’s like a never ending wave of announcements being shoved in my face.

Now I’m not saying I’m not happy for these people or that I’m jealous in anyway, it’s just a lot to take in. And to be honest, I just don’t understand it. I know I wasn’t the ‘normal’ adolescent and I have had a lot of issues, but I can’t imagine myself getting married and having kids at the age I’m at now or was at when I graduated from The HA. And here people my age or younger having kids and getting married.

While at The HA, for one of the women sessions, a speaker talked to the group about living a full and happy single life. She said being an intern people are always talking about how great and wonderful married life would be, but why can’t single life be grand as well? She encouraged us to go out and see the world, experience new and exciting adventures, grow and discover who you are. She said being married is a wonderful thing, but that things do become difficult when you add a spouse or children to the mix.

That always stuck with me. With all the times I’ve moved since The HA, I can’t even imagine trying to do that with a spouse or children. Or all the crazy and spontaneous things I’ve done, I don’t think I could have done or experienced half of those things. A few times people have told me that they wished they could have done some of the things I’ve done, but they can’t because of relationships or circumstances. I feel blessed that I’ve been able to experience the things I’ve done.

I’ve had so much growth in my life overall and in my spiritual life since The HA. It was so hard and sometimes difficult going through the changes the Lord was making in my life. And to think I could have dragged others through all that muck with me, it wouldn’t have been fair.

So I’m waiting and living. I’m living my life and growing as a person. I’m waiting on the Lord to tell me I’m ‘ready’ for the next session of my life. And I’m praying that when the Lord does bring that ‘special person’ into my life, I’ll be ready for them - emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. And I’m praying that ‘special person’ will be ready for me too.

the Heart

Ever since I got my ‘Forsaken Fighter’ tattoo for my 23rd birthday, I’ve wanted to get another tattoo. I want to get Isaiah 42:16 tattooed on my other wrist. I’m also playing with the idea of getting a scar tattoo on my right forearm. But neither seem to be the ‘right’ time yet.

With leaving Colorado right around the corner, I decided that I needed a change. A going away present to myself. With my first two tattoo ideas in my mind a third idea came to me that I have also been considering, tattooing a small heart onto my wrist. With the self-harm rate still high in the youth generation, people have been drawing hearts on their wrist to show love and sympathy for the cutters. The same reason why I want a scar tattoo on my forearm. Cutting is part of my past, it’s not who I am any more but it’s helped molded me into who I am today – a stronger beautiful fighter.

Sitting in my room I really started to consider getting a heart tattoo. The more I thought about the tattoo, the more I wanted to spruce it up. I thought about adding color, adding a design to the outside, the inside, adding a cross to show God’s love, and then it hit me – a crown around the heart.

And then instantly, I saw the tattoo in my mind.


A few years ago, when I was working through a lot of issues in my life, the Lord used pictures of a heart to depict the different stages that my heart was in. The healing process that the Lord was leading me in. The first drawing of the heart was broken and harden by the cruelness of the world and got mended and placed back together by God. In another drawing, the heart was washed out and cleansed by ‘living water,’ the Holy Spirit. Another drawing showed the heart having to cross a bridge to get to God, in the middle of the bridge was fire. The heart had to cross through the fire, to get refined by the Holy Spirit to get closer to God. And one of the last drawings, was the heart being surrounded and protected by three beings (God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit), with a crown around it. The crown showed that the heart had become righteous again and that the heart was ruled by the King – God.

I am constantly reminded how much God loves me. And how much He cares for me, He saved me when I was lost and never let me go. My heart drawings mean a great deal to me. I am so grateful to have been able to pull some of the drawings together and show what the Lord has done in my life.

'After all the tears, I was supposed to be here.'

The last couple of days I’ve become obsessed with listening to the band Superchick. Listening to songs that are so familiar to me, bring back many emotional memories. Memories, at the time, were very hard to go through but now bring joy, encouragement and a smile to my face.

There were a handful of artists that I listened to on a daily basis when I was a teenager. My depression constantly changed my mood and how I felt about my life and myself on a daily basis. There were only three things that kept me semi-sane: my mentor at the time, my writing and my music.

I remember one day leaving summer school, it was a little over a year after my mom had died. I had had a rough day. I was so upset and emotionally distraught. I hopped into my car, blasted Air 1 and sped down the road towards home. The events of the day replayed over and over in my head. I was so angry at myself, at the people involved in the events of the day, and at God. I just started to scream. I screamed at the top of my lungs as tears ran down my face. I was so frustrated. And then, ’Stand in the Rain’ came across my stereo.


The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear,
the tears will not stop raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain
It was as if God was speaking to me at that exact moment telling me that everything would be okay. And that the storm, the rain would one day past and I couldn’t allow the lightning and thunder to keep me down.


No one talks to her, she feels so alone
She's in too much pain to survive on her own
The hurt she can't handle overflows to a knife
She writes on her arm and wants to give up her life
Each day she goes on is a day that she's brave
Fighting the lie that giving up is the way
Each moment of courage her own life she saves
When she throws the pills out a hero is made
Heroes are made when you make a choice
'Hero’; I was sitting in my bathroom, crying quietly trying not to wake anyone up. I had my headphones on listening to this song, my razor in one hand and a shot of Vodka in the other. I stared at my leg and the fresh cuts I had just made. I didn’t know how I would ever get out from the cloud of darkness around me, but I knew I had to. I knew this wasn’t what I wanted. I didn’t want this life. And even though I didn’t know how I would get out of it, I knew that I would. One way or another I was going to get out of that cloud - standing.


Heroes are made when you make a choice
To some, these might be sad memories. But to me – it means I survived. I can look back at these moments in my life where I felt so alone, so depressed, so lost and KNOW – I’m not alone, I’m no longer depressed, and I’m not lost.

I made it through one storm in my life. And I know I can make it through the ones to come.

Happy New Year!

With the beginning of a new year, reflections of the year just pasted come to mind.

2011 might not have been my year for personal spiritual growth. But it was a year I desperately needed to grow in and strengthen my relationship with the Lord. 2011 was also a year where I learned my independence. I learned that I could provide for myself. I learned that I didn’t need to rely on others to support me, that I could do it myself. I also learned in 2011 that my own personal well-being was just as important as others. And that I shouldn’t settle for what’s handed to me, but to reach and fight for better.

Even with all the self-discovery I unearthed and found this past year, one thing I desperately missed was my creativity. I didn’t draw, paint, write or craft as much this past year as in 2010. So, my New Year resolution this year is to become craftier!

I made a list of crafty things I wanted to do this year and set a goal. I’m hoping I can finish them all before the year is over and exceed them.


And in an attempt to jump start my creativity in the New Year, I have challenged myself to take a picture a day for one year. A year in photos! I also created a list of objectives that I’d like to complete by the end of the year. Take a look at “A Thousand Words,” and make sure to follow the blog to get my daily updates of my random adventures in photos.