Wishes and Dreams

I constantly tell people that music is my life. And I’m sure they think I’m just a huge music buff. But in reality, if I hadn’t found the songs that inspire me; I would be dead.

I know here, on my blog, I talk a bit about my “past.” I mean I’m so young, how much of a ‘past’ can I have? Right?

When I first tried to “start my life” (ie: figure out who I was), I struggled - a lot. In most people’s lives, you start ‘finding your own’ around the ages of 13-16. You make your own friends, you make habits that last you a life time, you discover what you like or don’t like, you set goals, you find your interests and you start the journey of finding yourself.

I tried doing all these things, but I constantly found myself lost in a cloud of ‘darkness.’

I was depressed, I was severely depressed. I didn’t know I was depressed though, I thought the thoughts, feelings and emotions that I felt were ‘normal.’ I had felt and thought these things for so long that I didn’t know there could be anything different.

So, with depression a major part of my adolescence I started to form dangerous habits and thought patterns. I started to cut around 15; I remember the days leading up to my first time. I was confused, anxious, sad, upset and wounded. I was manic. All I could focus on was harming myself and once I started, I couldn’t stop. I had somehow convinced myself that harming myself would solve my problems. And to me, they ‘did.’

But as things in my life got harder and tougher, the self-harm escalated. I found myself wishing death, I attempted getting myself there. But the one thing, the one thing that kept me semi stable and sane – was my music.

I knew, without a doubt, that when I popped in my Stellar Kart CD and listened to track number 9, I would find comfort in the words. Track number 8 of Staple, I would find courage. Track number 12 of Pillar, encouragement. And track number 5 of Thousand Foot Krutch, partnership.

I found hope, courage, strength and a desire to live in these songs. I knew these musicians wrote these songs for me, for people like me who felt like their world was ending and crumbling around them. And in this, I knew I wasn’t alone – even though I felt it heavily in my heart.

My music saved my life.

That might sound absurd to some or far-fetched to others. But music is my life; it’s what keeps me going. It reminds me of the hope I have and helps to remind me to never let it go.

’I’ll be the one who makes you laugh
Make up for the memories
That made you sad
Me and you together forever
We could be someday
You will find me in all your
Wishes and dreams
-‘Wishes and Dreams’ by Stellar Kart


To read more of why ‘Music is my Life,’ go here.